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Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



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CoDvriaht © 2007 NatiorM LamDoon Inc 



POINT/COUNTE 



POINT 



WITH 



, CHRiSSI E HYNDE, 
"PRETENDERS 



BOBBY GILLESPIE 



VS. 



PRIMAL SCREAM 



TKIE VEEK. THE PAMTVH05E ISSUE: 



BOBBY* 

"I LIKE DRESSING UP LIKE A WOMAN AS MUCH AS IKE NEXT GUV, BUT IT'S 

GOT #OTH I N6 TO 00 ¥ITH IKE MUSIC." 
CHRISSIE: 

"SHAVE YOUR LEGS. FOR CHRIS SAKES!" 



i CONFUSED?^ 
Ntl' PRETENDERS 



J 



'IDING VOU TO GET OFF THE TOILET. PUT ON <OUR SHOES AHE) RUN OUT TO BUMHE 
IE INDEPENDENTS, FEATURING fOUfi HtY FAVORITE SONGS: "NIGHT IN MY 



VEINS" AND "I'LL STAND BY YOU"— AUB/OR THE NEV PRIMAL SCREAM ALBUM— GIVE OUT BUI DON'T GIVE UP. FEATURING i'M 



lEV FAVORITES 



<S" AMD "IaILSII 



StHDWEMTHE ARTwaftK.flOYS! 



GET'EMhOtfrflh 
SIRE CASSETTES 

ANOCOS. 





KNOW YOUR KNEWS YOU HAVE TO KEEP UP 



MONEY FREE AMERICANS ED SUBITZKY 



WAKE UP AMERICA INVESTIGATING REPORTING 



READER DIGEST magazine ^fe 

E A F?V- Y MORNING NEWS WITH GRIFFIN DREW ^ft 



SEX IN AMERICA BOY DO WE NEED IT NOW 



^■ri-Y-y^V^-rf-V- 1 

NICK SKORPIO SPACES 



VJ V > 1 



TRUE FACTS / SIGNED 
CONTESTANT 



STEP DA-DA 



PHOTOS 



^ft 



Editorial Star Chamber; Dave C, Garrett, Jason 

Ward, Raymond Ireland, Harmon Leon, Gene Grey 

Managing Editor: Jane Wollman Rusoff 

Executive Editor: John Hayes 

Creative Director: Chet Cooper 

Art Director/Design: Terry Whitley 

Sr. Editors; Joe Limber, Eric Madigan, Dino Londjs 

Associate Editors: Mike Bertrand, Dan Budnick 

Editorial Board: Jim Jimirro, Dave Garrett, 

Jason Ward, Gene Grey and Chet Cooper 

Special Projects: Julie Kaminskas, Frank Nunziata 

Inn Keeper: Rosemary Alonso 



Contributing Editors and Artists: Ed Subitzky, Tony 
Gleeson* Pajge Plant, Paul Mauro, Charlie Coffrey, 
Frank Gotham, Fred H. Thomas, Patrick Hardin, Steve 
Alexander Ben Wilson, Barry Lank, Jeff Pill, Willie 
Harper, Frank Nunxiata, Lance Anderson, Chris 
Bonno, Mitch Adler, Matt Jacobsen, Dave Eggers, Gene 
Grey, J. Gentner Sherman, Rina Piccolo, Glenn R. Danfqrth 
Cartoon Editor: David Shelton 
Models: Grjffin Drew, Harmon Leon 

Photography: Scott Wolfington-Wolfington Studio {Cover) 
Cover: Hope Allen, hope au-eh, hope alle* 



Publisher - Prestidigitator 
Chet Cooper 



CORPORATE ADVERTISING: 1682 Langley Irvine CA 92714 Tel (714) 854-87O0 Fax (714> 2SI-70f \ 

Published Bimonthly 1682 Lanqley, Irvine, C A 92714 National Lampoon (ISSN 0027-9537)3 PRINTED m THE U,S«A, "NATIONAL Lampoon" IS A 
REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF J2 COMMUNICATIONS, THE LAMPOON NAME (5 USED WITH PERMISSION OF THE HARVARD LAMPOON, INC, COPYRIGHT 

fit 993, J2 Communications, I0S50 Wilshire Blvd., #1000, Los Angeles, CA 90024. All rights reserved. Nothing may be reprinted in whole or in 

PART WITHOUT WRITTEN PERMISSION FROM THE PUBLISHER, EXCLUSIVE OF THE NATIONAL LAMPOON TRUE SECTION, ALL INCIDENTS, SITUATIONS AND PRODUCTS 
DEPICTED OH DESCRIBED IN THE EDITORIAL PAGES OF NATIONAL LAMPOON ARE FICTIONAL, AMD ANY SIMfLARlTY, WITHOUT SATIRIC INTENT, OF CHARACTERS 
PRESENTED THEREIN TQ LIVING PERSONS 15 COINCIDENTAL, THE EDITORS OF NATIONAL LAMPOON ACCEPT READER SUBMISSIONS OF PHOTOS, CLIPPINGS ANQ 
OTHER ITEMS FOR INCLUSION IN NATIONAL LAMPOON TRUE SECTIONS. UPON RECEIPT, THESE tTEMS BECOME EXCLUSIVELY THE PROPERTY OF NATIONAL LAMPOON. 
NATIONAL LAMPOON ASSUMES NO LIABILITY FOR RETURN OF ANY SUBMITTED MATERIALS, MATERIALS WILL NOT HE RETURNED; DO NOT SEND ORIGINALS. 

Distributed by Warner Publishing Services 

A Time Warner Company 

Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Mind Power Breakthrough! 

Plug Your Mind into the Amazing Learning Machine * To Boost Mental Powers, 
Program Your Mind for Success & Launch Virtual Reality-Like Fantasies. 
Plus Get $600 of Free Learning CDs! 




By Dane Spoils 

Absolutely mind 
blowing!!! I popped a 
French Learning CD 
into the Learning 
Machine'. Immedi- 
ately I was sucked 
into a deep, dream* 
like trance. Weird 
colors and patterns 
were created on the insides of my closed 
eyelids. While in this super-relaxed but 
hyper-aware state, the special Learning 
CD began unfolding its magic 
programming. 

A Vacation In 22 Minutes 

It was as if a movie were playing 
inside my head. 1 could see myself tn 
France having Lunch at the Eiffel Tower. 
The music, the sounds, even the 
fragrance of summer in Paris. A 
beautiful woman spoke to me. "Bonjour, 
mon ami/' she said. In an almost 
unconscious way 1 began following the 
dialogue- The mental imagery was so 
intense I not only understood what was 
going on, it was like I was there. 

Learning at Light Speed 

The Learning Machine is mure than 
virtual reality. More than just a cool way 
to relax after a hard day at work. 
According to one college professor, "It 
may be the most powerful learning tool 
since the invention of the book." 

Here's why. When you do a Learning 
Machine session your mind is cut off 
from outside distractions. Your attention 
becomes focused inward as the powerful 
sensory stimulation (light-sound matrix) 
bombards your imagination. Ideas and 
mental images float in and out of your 
consciousness. It feels like the best 



dream you've ever had. Then while hi 
this highly euphoric mental space, the 
Learning CD opens your learning centers 
to peak receptivity and pours in new 
knowledge and skills. It's the ultimate 
mind trip. But it's not just for fun. 

Let's say you want to learn a foreign 
language, improve your reading and 
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skills. Or just give your kids a powerful 
edge in school, learning many times 
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You select a specially programmed 
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moments later your mind is launched 
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In a fun, almost effortless way, the 
Learning CD unfolds its program and 
literally forces you to learn. It's the most 
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Speak French, Spanish, 
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Learning foreign languages, or 
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77ie Teacher™ ($59 Value) SLarf up demwislratwn disc will take you 
on a journey and prep your mind with all the incredible things you can 
do with your Learning Machine. 

Accelerated Interactive language learning 1 * library {$200 Value) 
•1 language training courses teach yej basic French. German, 
Spanish, and Italian using the same course materials taught to 
international diplomats. 

3-0 Mind Sync™ library ($150 Value) 10 mind journeys: Creativity 
Booster, Qwch Energy. Stress Zapper, Mental Tune Up, Virtual Visual- 
ization. Imagination 5titwiBWr. Learning Accelerator, Super intuition, 
LuarJ Dreaming, and Super Zen States, Launch your mind into 
fantastic mind journeys from deep meditation to exircme alertness, 
InnerMind™ Programming library ($150 Value) 18 programs en 3 
Learning Discs program success behaviors into your subconscious. 
Titles: Building Sefr Esteem, Eliminate Fear & Anxiety. Projecting a 
Winner s Image, Attracting Low Relationships, Health & Healing, 
Expanding Psychic Powers, Attracting Prospenty & WealUi Ttme 



[MWDjg^WUCT 



want to show off its other incredible 
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10 Fantastic Mind Journeys 

So t'U include the 3-D Mind $ync :M 
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A $150 value, this extensive collection 
ts a super added bonus. Rut even more 
exciting is how it can be used for habit 
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eliminating self-sabotaging behavior. 



*.; - i 



Public Speaking. Increase Focus & Concentration, Super Memory & 
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Eliminate Procrastination, Quit Smoking Wow, Meet Your Deadlines, 
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Super Speed Learning™ Beginner's Pak (S 59 Value) 4 accelerated 
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you'll usg for life. 



Plus $1,000 Worth of Coupons for More Software 

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Super Motivation Library 

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Plus in addition to the Language 
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Try the Learning Machine for 30 days 
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Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




LETTERS... 

1 FROM THE EDITORS 



Sirs: 

We've got an idea for a sequel? 
It'll be Eating Raul II. We're gonna 
love It. 

The Worms 



Sirs: 

Who gives a shit about all 
those effects in The Mask? My eyes 
were bugging out like that before 
this guy was even born 

Marty Feldman 



Sirs: 

Please put my name in your 
magazine. I want to impress my 
friends. 

Name withheld 



Sirs: 

It amazes me that the human 
race has survived so long, what 
with all these people running 
around. 

Dan Budnik 
Ithaca, New York 



Sirs: 



Game. Set. Match, 
Carbon Monoxide 

Vitas Gerulaitis' Bungalow 



Sirs: 

Must consume mass quantities. 
Do you understand, human? I 
must consume mass quantities. 

Nell Carter 
Sitcom Limbo, USA 



Sirs: 

From now on, please pro- 
nounce my name "Sha-day J \ 

Marquis de Sade 



Sirs: 

He can't remember a thing, 
doesn't respond to his own name, 
and pisses pants regularly. I'd say 
he's made a complete recovery. 

George Burns' Brain Surgeon 



Sirs: 

Day Seven: Today I thought I 
heard the Troika rummaging 
around in my kitchen. It sure is 
stuffy in this attic. I still think that 
men are good at heart 

The Diary of Michael Eisner 



Dear Sirs: 

We have no position on recent 
reports of starving populations eat- 
ing their young. 

The Vatican 



Dear Sirs: 

I am entertaining the idea of 
liquidating the entire student body 
at my school because I'm not very 
popular, And I know who I'm 
gonna get first. 

The kid you keep making fun of 



Dear Sirs: 

What do you mean my girl- 
friend looks like a corpse? 

Johnny Depp 



Dear Sirs: 

I had just received my cus- 
tomized left-hand drive Trans-Am 
from the states and I wanted to 
"break in" the back seat so I picked 
her up at her place. She looked 
hot. We parked off a shady lane 
and began making out. The way 
she was reacting I knew I was 
going to score. She couldn't keep 
her hands off me. I should have 
been suspicious, however, when 
she said she hated condoms. 
Anyway, we did the deed, and it was 
okay. She was pretty good. But 
sure enough, two months later she 
came into the Palace crying about 
being pregnant. Of course, she was 
lying but how was I to know? 
That's the real reason why I mar- 
ried her. I was duped. 

Prince Charles 



Dear Sirs: 

I don't believe the rumor I 
heard about Rod Stewart I'd been 
saving the stuff since I was four- 
teen, and barely had enough to fill 
a cereal bowk When I fed it to my 
little sister, she didn't have to get 
her stomach pumped. 

Mark Weaver 
Machoville, AK 



Dear Sirs: 

The hills are alive, with the 
sound of self-inflicted gunshots to 
the head. 

Swiss Cult Member 



Dear Sirs: 

What we have here is a failure 
to communicate. 

Jimmy Carter parleying a 
treaty between Rick (Glamour 
Boy) Flair and Hulk Hogan 
before their "Fight to the 
Death". 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Dear Sirs: 

Vintage Stallone, man! Sly- 
baby walks the walk. He blows up 
everything in sight and nails the 
hottest chick that ever walked the 
planet. 

Steve Whitcher 

The last member of the the 

Sylvester Stallone fan club 



Dear Sirs, 

I thig id would be really fuddy 
if you had a feadure or a cardood 
aboud subwud who always has a 
stuffed ub dose. Thed you woulded 
have do thig of ady cobedy, bud just 
led hib talk like this, which is really 
fuddy, because whed beoble dry do 
read id they thig thad their dose 
bight be stuffed ub, doo. Also, id 
will seeb like the bagazine is buch 
logger thad id really is* 

If you thig this is a good idea, 
led be dow, because I could really 
wride it, 

Tob Sbith, 
Biabi, Florida 



Dear Sirs, 

I would like to complain about 
pe pie w ho talk on th e ir c e llular 
phones and driv e at th e sam e time. 
It is dangerous, especially in h e avy 
traffic at high sp ee ds, like now. 
Their is an asshol e in front of m e 
with on e hand on the st ee ring 
wh ee l and not looking wh e r e 
h e 's — goddam this typwrit e r, I — 
AHHHHHSH 

Highway Statistic 



Dear Sirs, 

Do you like pumpkin seeds? 
Because if you do, I have a whole 
shitload of 'em left over from 
Halloween. God, that felt good! 

Linus 



Dear Sirs, 

My friend, Ed, and I just start- 
ed reading your magazine, and we 
like it very much. But we disagree 
about the concept of "Letters from 
the Editors/' Ed says that they are 
written by people like him, but I 
say it is obvious that they are made 
up by the editors. If it will not 
reveal a trade secret, maybe you 
can settle this bet. 

Curious Reader 



Curious Reader, 

The fact that you are reading 
your own letter and our reply 
should settle matters, once 
and for all. 

—ed. 



Dear Sirs, 

First Mr. Simpson, and now 
you. Do you outsiders never pay 
your debts? I regret that I sold you 
my story in anger, and would not 
ask for payment but, with Martha 
expecting our seventh, and the 
market for butter churners not 
being what it used to be, I must 
insist that you honor our agree- 
ment. 

My counsel, Brother Murray, 
will be in touch. 

Brother Leon 
Scranton. PA 



Dear Sirs, 

Here's a little joke that will put 
your more thoughtful readers in 
stitches: 



® 

(From the desk of the invisible man) 



you: "Knock, Knock;' 
them: "Who's there?" 
you: "Nobody." 
them: "Nobody, who?" 
you: (absurdly long pause...) 

John Paul Sartre 




Dear Sirs, 

Go-oo-oo-Iee! Hillary and I are 
just going to lay low for a while 
somewhere where it's safer for a 
body, until things quiet down 
around here! Please forward my 
subscription to: 

Hamas Hilton, Room 1313 
86 Jihad Lane 
Damascus, Syria 
President Clinton 
Washington, D.C. 



Dear Sirs, 

I think it's about time men 
think more about women then they 
think about themselves. I think 
thinking men especially should 
think of women more. It's not as if 
thinking men don't care about 
what women are thinking. I think 
you agree. I think. 

P.R. Director of TIT 
Technology In Thinking 



Dear Sirs, 

I feel it's about time men feel 
more about other men than they 
feel about themselves. I feel feeling 
men especially should feel for other 
men more. It's not as if feeling men 
that don't care about what other 
men are feeling. I feel you agree. I 
feel 

PR. Director of FAG 

Feeling Americans Group 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 






t 




TECHNOLOGY UPDATE 



900 MHz breakthrough! 



New technology launches 
wireless speaker revolution. . . 

Recoton develops breakthrough technology which transmits 
stereo sound through walls, ceilings and floors up to ISO feet 



) ) 




ByClmrkti Anton 

If you had to name just 
one new product "the 
most innovative of the 
year/' what would you 
choose? Well, at the recent International 
Consumer Electronics Show, critics gave Kecoton's 
new wireless stereo speaker system the Design 
and Engineering Aiwrd 
for being the "most in- 
novative and outstand- 
ing new product," 

Recoton was able to 
introduce this whole 
new generation of 
powerful wireless 
speakers due to the ad- 
vent of 900 MHz tech- 
nology. This newly 
approved breakthrough 
enables Recoton' s wire- 
less speakers to rival the 
sound of expensive 
wired speakers, 

Recently approved 
technology. In June 
of 1989, the Federal 
Communications Com- 
mission allocated a 
band of radio frequen- 
cies stretching from 902 
to 928 MHz for wireless, 
in-home product ap- 
plications. Recoton, one 
of the world's leading wireless speaker man- 
ufacturers, took advantage of the VCC ruling 
by creating and introducing a new speaker 
system that utilizes the recently approved fre- 
quency band to transmit clearer, stronger 
stereo signals throughout your home. 





1 50 foot range through walls! 

Recoton gives you the freedom to lis- 
ten to in u sic wherever you want. Your 
music is no longer limited to the room your 
stereo is in. With the wireless headphones 
you can listen tc your TV, stereo or CO 
player while you move freely between 
rooms, exercise or do other activities. And 
unlike infrared headphones, you don't have 
to be In a Nne-of-sight with the transmit- 
ter, giving you a full 150 foot range. 

The headphones and speakers have 
their own built-in receiver, so no wires are 
needed between you and your stereo One 
transmitter operates an unlimited number 
of speakers and headphones. 





y * * * 



Kecotoiis transmitter sends tmtsic through walk 
to wireks* speakers over a 70,000 square foot ttrctt 



Crisp sound throughout your 
home. Just imagine being able to 
Irs ten 4 o your stereo, TV, VCR or CD 
player in any room of your home with- 
out having to run miles o( speaker wire, 
Plus, you'll never have to worry about range 
because the new 900 MHz technology allows 
stereo signals to travel 
over distances of 150 feet 
or more through walls, 
ceilings and floors with- 
out losing sound quality. 
One transmitter, un- 
limited receivers. The 
powerful transmitter 
plugs into a headphone, 
audio-out or tape-out jack 
on your stereo or TV com- 
ponent, transmitting mu- 
sic wirelessly to your 
speakers or headphones. 
The speakers plug into an 
outlet The one transmit- 
ter can broadcast to an un- 
limited number of stereo 
speakers and headphones. 
And since each speaker 
contains its own built in 
receiver/amplifier, there 
are no wires running horn 
the stereo to the speakers. 
Full dynamic range. 
The speaker, mounted in 
a bookshelf-sized acoustically constructed cab- 
inet, provides a two-way bass reflex design 
for individual bass boost control, Hull dynamic 
range is achieved by the use of a 2" tweeter 
and 4" woofer Plus, automatic digital lock-in 



AWARD WINNING WIRELESS SPEAKER 



Bttitt-in receiver 
unit amplifier: 

lite wireless 
fyicQker and 
haidpitimci 
hath contain 
a built-in 
receiver ami 
amplifier. 
Signals are 
picked up and 
transmitted 
rts far as (50 
feel aimxf 
through walk 
uritttQiit the 
ase of wires, 



Volume 




Tuned ports 
2 " tweeter 
4"tvoofcr 

hKtwidual left, right 

& tn&m *«'Mi and 

individual toss boost 

control (on back) 

Size: 9'H X 6"W X b 5 L L 

Sigitfil-lO'isoise ratio: 60 dB 

Channel Sepntnlicn: 30 dB 

Tiwimtf biffift reflex design 

10 wattstcltannet RMS amps 

Freifjwncy Resytmse: 

50 Hz- 15 KHz 



Don't take our word for it. Try i: yourseff 
WeVe ao sure you'll love the new awarcf-winning 
Recoton wireless speaker system that we offer 
you the Dare to Compare Speaker Challenge, 
Compare Recoton s rich sound qualify to that ol 
any $200 wired speaker, If you're not completely 
convinced that these wireless speakers offer I he 
same outstanding 
sound quality as wired 
speakers, simpty return 
thern within 30 days lor 
a full "No Questions 
Asked' refund. 

ReGotOn'i Design mid 
Engineering Award 





Rmikthrmigh wireless shaker j&Sggji 
blankets ygw li&mi with musk. 



tuning guarantees optimum reception and 
eliminates drift. The new technology provides 
static- free, interference free sound in virtual- 
ly any environment. These speakers are also 
self-amplified; they can't be blown out no mat- 
ter what your stereo's wattage- 
Si ereo or hi-fi, you decide. These speak- 
ers have the option of either stereo or hi-fi 
sound. You can use two speakers, one set on 
right channel and the other on left, for full 
stereo separation. Or, if you just want an ex- 
tra speaker in another room, set it on mono and 
listen to both channels 
on one speaker. Mono 
combines both left and 
right channels for hi-fi 
sound. This option lets 
you put a pair of speak- 
ers in the den and get 
full stereo separation or 
put one speaker in the Thcse wirdm $tereo 
kitchen and get com- headphones Have a 
plete hi-fi sound- built-in ncewer 

Factory direct savings. Our commitment 
Lo quality and factory direct pricing allows us 
to sell more wireless speakers than anyone! 
For this reason, you can get these speakers far 
below retail with our 30 day "Dare to Compare" 
money-back guarantee and full one year man- 
ufacturer's warranty. For a limited time, the 
Recoton transmitter is only $69. It will operate 
an unlimited number of wireless speakers 
priced at $89 and wireless headphones at $68 
each. Your order will be processed in 72 hours 
and shipped UPS. 

Recoton Transmitter (you must have a transmiH&r 

to operate speakers and headphones] $69 $75$H 

Wireless products compatible with ihe Rocoton irartsmittor: 

Recoton Wireless Speaker ....$89 $9s&h 

Recoton Wireless Headphones $69 $7S&H 

Please mention promotional code \ 6 5- A B "11 01 . 
For fastest service call toll-free 24 hours a day 

800-992-2966 



To order by KWiU send check or moiWy order for the total 
iimount including S&T! (VA residents acid 4*5% sales tax) 
Or charge ii in your credit card bv enclosing youraccouitl 
number and expiration date Send to: 



INDUSTRIES 

2S20 Waterford Lake Drive Suite 106 
Midlothian, Virginia 23113 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




HOLLY 



Insiders say that Courtney Love is still hooked on 
Curt Cobain, The self-proclaimed necrophilia has yet 
to begin dating... Think a celebrity's 
image is always a true reflection of his 
personality? Well, you're wrong! Case in 
point: Jack Nicholson is a virgin. "I've 
never even kissed a girl/* admits Jack... 
This summer's Elton John/Billy Joel 
Face to Face tour resulted in more than 
just a thrill for millions of fans across 
the country — it also produced what will 
no doubt be a future piano-playing pop 
star! Elton is due in March,.. Val Kilmer, 
the new star of Batman, certainly shows 
the bravery of the caped crusader when 
it comes to safe sex. "Unless the girl is 
really sleazy-looking, I take my 
chances/' says Val... Now that Johnny 
Carson has had a year to judge the work of his 
replacement, Jay Leno, What does the late-night guru 
think of the Tonight Show? "It sucks/' says Johnny. 
"It's not funny anymore".,, Remember Gabe Kaplan? 
Neither does his wife. A scandal erupted 
last week when the spouse of the former 
Welcome Back Rotter star accidentally 
married another man. When authorities 
informed her that she was still happily 
married to Gabe, Mrs. Kaplan's only 
response was a curiously puzzled look. 
Stay tuned... Why was Sharon Stone 
recently seen leaving the Oval Office at 2 
a.m.? "She was performing oval sex on 
the President, of course/' says Chief of 
Staff, Leon Panetta... "Devil Dogs are 
good, but for an extra special dessert 
treat, serve your guests Suzy-QV says 
Martha Stewart, America's favorite homemaker... This 
just in: Courtney Love was seen leaving a San 
Francisco hotel room with Mezzaluna waiter, Ronald 
Goldman. It's great to see Courtney getting on with 
her life.,, CBS has finally begun filming its long- 
awaited John Wayne biography mini-series. Former 
Odd Couple star Tony Randall has been cast as the 
Duke.., The champagne was flowing on the set of 
Models inc. last week as the American Television 
Institute officially named the program "The Worst 
Show of All Time"... Michael Keaton has joined Adam 
West as co-president of the Disgruntled Actors Who 
Used To Play Batman Association, The two will hold 
their first convention this fall in the Catskilfs... Ever 
wonder what your favorite stars do when the 
pressures of life seem to be too much to handle? 
Neither do we... Lorn Anderson's breast reduction 
surgery has deemed her existence unnecessary. Lorn 
will be executed in April... Supermodel Kate Moss was 



10 NATIONAL LAMPOON 




„ude 
Hospital agree, 

painting will 
help in his physical and 

mental recovery — 
Rush Limbaugh still insists 

he was not at a late 
night eatery having frog 
legs ala cart, the night of 
the mysterious accident. 




Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



ft) Ml 3AR 



Danger field 

confused and 
disoriented at the 

annual 

convention angered 

the crowd with Jerry 

Lewis jokes and 

singing Haiti's 

national anthem in 

sign language. 





L— - 



is 
spending most of his 

free time leaning 
toward his dream of 
professional dance. 
"I would like to 
follow in the foot 
steps of Fred Astaire 
even though his feet 
were much smaller," 
jokes Robin. 



i 




missing for three days after slipping 
through a sidewalk grate in midtown 
Manhattan — Hey Kate t eat a 
sandwich!.,. In a recent interview with 
the Hollywood Ear, actor Denzel 
Washington revealed the dream driving 
his meteoric rise in the film industry. "I 
hope to someday reach the level of 
accomplishment and respect that 
Jimmie Walker has achieved in his 
career/' says Denzel,,. Andy Garcia, 
Holly Hunter, Michael Douglas, 
Annette Benning, Etna Thomspson, 
Harrison Ford, and Johnathan Demme 
will begin shooting the stylish thriller 
Dickless this may,.. Hollywood may 
never be the same now that it has been announced 
that a brand new major motion picture studio will 
result from the tri-merger of actor/director Emilio 
Estevez, writer/producer Stephen King and 
pornographer/pornographer Larry Flint. 
The motley trio, tentatively known as 
Toast Bones Productions (TBP) wilt begin 
production next fall with several 
low/medium budget, film noire 
propaganda films. Earlier this month.., 
Mattel was forced to recall over 200,000 
talking dolls due to a "Coding error" in 
the design room. The error shocked 
parents and children nation-wide when 
the Elmo doll, based on the popular 
Sesame Street character, instead of saying 
"Hello my name is Elmo" said 
(i Hard work vill set you free" in a thick 
German accent.. .Environmentalist and CEO of Purdue 
Poultry farms, Frank Purdue was arraigned in Santa 
Monica Municipal Courthouse this month for 
seregetly impregnating chickens with his own 
semen, ,/*Check your ego in at the door, we're here for 
a cause" Said Producer Phil Spector to his star 
studded, one-time-only musical creation that will host 
a multi-continental tour to raise awareness for 
Rockers Against Sexual Misconduct, (RAS.M). The 
new super-group, known as Crunchy Jello will consist 
of Pete Townsend on Guitar, David Lee Roth on 
vocals, Linda Mcartney on tambourine, and the 
drummer with no arms from Def Leperd. Look for 
tour dates this spring... Over-exposed John Wayne 
Bobbit has agreed for the undisclosed amount of 
$75,000 to reveal the scars on his reatcheded penis in 
an upcoming Arby's commercial... .As you know, 
Michael Jackson has married Elvis Presley's 
daughter. If stuff like this continues to happen, the 
Hollywood Ear will no longer be necessary. Thanks 
for nothing, Michael! 



Coovriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 11 



KNOW YOUR KNEWS 



1 994 CRC/GG 



POLITICS: 

In Europe, President Clinton's 
diplomatic gaffe cast a shadow on 
his efforts to prove himself capable 
of making sound foreign policy. 
Presidents Yelstin and Kravchuk, of 





Clinton loses foreign policy rights by 
Yeistin and Kravchuk 



, 



Vi 



Clinton's review: 
"More than I expected" 



Russia and the Ukraine, respective- 
ly, won the right to divide France 
among themselves when their 
"paper" covered Clinton's "rock" 
during negations in Prague, 
Czechoslovakia. 




Clinton watching "The Tonya Harding 
Movie Marathon" 



Back in Washington, President 
Clinton sat transfixed throughout 
what Whitehouse insiders are call- 
ing "The Tonya Harding Movie 
Marathon" — a private screening of 
the X-rated videotape of the 
skater's wedding night romp, 
looped for continuous play and col- 
orized by Ted Turner for the 
President's viewing pleasure. 



When asked to comment on 
Jeffs "Gillooly," an appreciative 
Clinton offered a Gomer-like 

"Go-oo-oo-Iee!" 

First Lady Hillary Rodham 
Clinton, who opted to attend a k,d. 
Lang concert, was unavailable for 
comment. 



CALIFORNIA: 

The top story in California con- 
tinues to be the preliminary hear- 
ing of J, Simpson. Just days after 
the publication of yet another 
tabloid story concerning evidence 
in the case, the defense team of 
Robert L, Shapiro and Johnnie 
Cochran, delivered a second mys- 
tery envelope to the custody of 
Judge Lance A. Ito. 

The tabloid story at the heart 
of this latest controversy in the 
increasingly bizarre proceeding 
concerns one Eliezer Leon, Amish 
proprietor of Crazy Eliezer's Horse- 
Drawn Buggies and Manual Tillers, 
in Scranton, PA, who claims to 
have sold "one virtuous hoe, the 
blade of which was eight to ten 
inches in length" to OJ, Simpson, 



the day of the murder of Nicole 
Brown Simpson and Ronald 
Goldman, "Brother Leon," as Mr, 
Leon wishes to be called when not 
doing business, told the tabloid 
that a "schvartzen gentleman" 
bartered for the hoe with what the 
customer claimed were "labor 
vouchers," and signed the receipt, 
"The Juice." Brother Leon claims 
that the transaction was witnessed 
by Sister Rachel and Brother Jacob. 
The "vouchers" turned out to be 
Hertz Rent-a-Car coupons, which 
are, of course, useless to to the 
Amish who do not drive motorized 
vehicles. Brother Leon decided to 
sell his story to the tabloid in a 
moment of anger for which, he 
says, he is now repentant. 

For now, the prosecution is 
expected to reconstruct a time table 
of Simpson's activities the day of 
the murder, in order to show that 
he had time to purchase the hoe in 
Scranton and return to L.A. in time 
to have committed the murders. 
Unidentified sources close to the 
defense say that while J. Simpson 
did buy a hoe fitting the description 
given by Mr. Leon, it does not 
incriminate the defendant. 

Does the mystery envelope 
contain the alleged hoe? Judge I to 
would only say that the contents of 
the envelope would be revealed at a 
time he deems appropriate to both 
prosecution and defense teams. 




NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




Defiant illegal aliens show no fear of the Killer Snail 



KILLER SNAIL 
UPDATE: 

As reported last issue in Wake Up 
America, giant killer snails continue 
their inexorable march north from 
Mexico and into the United States. 
As if the snails themselves are not 
threat enough, INS agents have 
uncovered a scheme to smuggle ille- 
gal aliens into America via the snails. 
In a new twist on the old shell game, 
these modern day 

Trojan invaders are placed inside cav- 
ities in the snail's shells as infants. 
After the snails have traversed the 
short distance between Tijuana and a 
prearranged destination just inside 
the U.S. border, the stowaways 



emerge as young 
adults, ready to steal 
American jobs in the 
lawn care industry. 

Slimy but 

unbowed, this defiant 
group of arrested ille- 
gals (photo) vows to 
try again to enter the 
U.S. inside the giant 
mollusks, which 
move so slowly as to 
remain largely unde- 
tected by border 
patrol, INS investiga- 
tors believe they have 
traced the operation 
to a French group. 



SCIENCE: 



The repaired Hubble space 
telescope continued to reward 
astronomers with startling images. 
Pictures of galaxy Ml 00, shown 
here before and after the repairs, 
reveal what appears to be the hood- 
ed face and torso of a man. Many 
who have seen the photo believe 
the celestial figure to be that of an 
angel, or even God, prompting 
thousands of worshippers to flock 
to galaxy M100, where they died 
immediately in the frozen vacuum 
of deep space. 

Back on Earth, paleontologists 
were thrilled by the discovery of 
the oldest known link to modern 
man. The hominid teeth, found in 




.NEW FOSSIL SITE 

(Aramls) 



ETHIOPIA 




'□' 



Oldest link to modern man 

Ethiopia not far from the now 
famous "Lucy site," are believed to 
be around 4.4 million years old. 

A check of dental records has 
tentatively identified the owner of 
the teeth as Ethel Mertz, Lucy's 
neighbor and reluctant co-conspir- 
ator in marital 



hijinks 




Chevy Chase loses Lemper 




ENTERTAINMENT: 

A Disgruntled 
Chevy Chase dispatched 
yet another director (the 
3rd thus far) of the con- 
ceptually troubled John 
Hughes film-in- 

progress, "National 
Lampoon's Snowy 
Vacation/ 1 Said an unre- 
pentant Chase, "It's too 
much like Christmas 
Vacation/ 1 



Pictures of galaxy Ml 00 before and after the repaired Hubble space telescope with mystery image 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



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OFFICIAL 

GOVERNMENT 

BROCHURE 

FOR 

MONEY-FREE 

AMERICANS 







U.S. DEPT- OF ECONOMY 

GUIDE FOR MONEY-FREE 

AMERICANS 

Administrater Ed Subitzky 
U.S. Government publication 

MF-1736A2 

Price: 25 cents* 



A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM 
BOB DOLE (D-KANSAS): 

"As a member of the new class 
of money-free (or soon-to-be- 
money-free) Americans, may I 
salute you! As we in Washington 
ponder how to improve the econo- 
my, you're setting a shining exam- 
ple for all to see — demonstrating the 
many benefits of a money-free exis- 
tence and showing how, even if 
your government doesn't come up 
with the right answer, countless 
numbers of Americans can still lead 
happy, useful and productive lives, 
By choosing to be among those who 
have given up having money, you're 
also making that much more avail- 
able to those who are helping to pay 
off our national debt and, through 
their recently-raised tax rates, 
rebuild our 

Country's cities, roads and 
schools. What's more, you're in the 
forefront of the vital movement to 
preserve our world's precious and 
dwindling resources. May God 
bless each and every one of you and 
your families!" 



FROM THE SECRETARY OF 
THE TREASURY: 

"As a money-free American, 
you can look forward to an exotic, 
fulfilling life of new challenges and 
unique pleasures. Yoif 11 dine on 
some of our nation's finest "left- 
overs"— which you'll find waiting 
for you almost everywhere you 
turn! You'll live in palatial quarters 
whose magnificent architecture 
would put any mansion to shame, 
and share them with "instant house 
guests" who arc travelling to and 
from the far corners of the world. 
Rather than sitting in classrooms 
learning abstract ideas of question- 
able value, your children will attend 
the world's most practical "universi- 
ty"; the streets of our great cities 
and towns* This handy booklet, 
especially prepared by the U.S. 
Department of the Economy, is 
designed to help you make the most 
out of your new opportunities. 
Incidentally, after yoif ve finished 
reading it, it makes a great pillow or 
facial towel!" 

INTRODUCTION 

So — the problems of having 
money are no longer yours ! 

Suddenly, your life is free and 
your time is your own. There are no 
checkbooks to balance, or complicat- 
ed and difficult tax forms to fill out. 
There's no "financial planning" to 
worry about and make you lose sleep 
at night. There's no rent to pay, and 



no grocery bills to mount up. There 
are no credit cards to bill you, and no 
need to pay attention to annoying 
advertisements for products or ser- 
vices. Finally, you're in complete 
control of your life and destiny! 

These are just some of the 
advantages of America's new corps 
of money-free individuals. As 
you'll discover in this booklet, there 
are many others. While those you 
used to know dine on pizza or 
mashed potatoes, you're enjoying 
the remains of a fancy French meal! 
While they sit in their tiny apart- 
ments watching reruns on TV, 
you're facing the vista of a hustling 
street with interesting activity going 
on all around you! While they're 
getting the same old outfits out of 
the closet, you're finding a great 
new skirt or pair of pants just wait- 
ing for you in one of the wonderful 
outdoor "hanging-emporiums" 
found in front of, or slightly to the 
side of, every house or apartment 
building across the land! 

Of course, being a money-free 
American also poses certain minor 
challenges, and that's why your 
government has put out this special 
booklet — to "show you the ropes" 
and help you past any difficult 
moments. If you follow the simple 
tips and poi titers offered here, we 
guarantee that you'll make the most 
out of your money-free experience 
and that you and your family will 
lead a life that is happy, fulfilling, 
exciting, and rewarding! Indeed, it 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc 



•easily obiained on most street corners. 

NATIONAL LAMPOON 15 



is a life that money-having 
Americans are sure to envy, and 
you'll find that more and more of 
ihem are becoming "converts" to 
your new lifestyle everyday. 

And remember — if there's any- 
thing else that your government can 
help you with as you make the tran- 
sition to your new environment, just 
let us know, We'll make every 
effort to listen to your needs and to 
eventually put out an even bigger 
booklet than this one! 

NEW LODGING FOR A 
NEW SOCIETY 




For money-free Americans like 
yourself, the old question, "Where 
do you live?'' is being replaced by 
the new question, "Where don't you 
live?" That's because now, rather 
than restrict yourself to one small 
piece of real estate, you'll find that 
the whole world is open to you. 

If you're a family who loves the 
great outdoors, now you can actual- 
ly live there, free of the stifling feel- 
ing of four walls closing in on you, 
Or, if you prefer the cozy feeling of 
being inside, you can thrive in the 
"art deco" atmosphere of a trans- 
portation domicile — perhaps a train 
station designed by a famous archi- 
tect, or the interior of a local bus 
depot, with exotic destinations 
framed on every wall, and the tem- 
perature kept toasty by the purring 
of a hundred different motors! 

Or perhaps you and your family 
would prefer to be an "alley 
dweller," enjoying both the freedom 
of the outdoors and the semi-secure 
feeling of having three walls around 
you all at once! 

But, with so much choice avail- 
able, where should you look first? 



Here are a few handy tips to help you 
make this important decision; 

■ How big is your family? If 
you're just starting out, without 
too many children, your space 
requirements may be more mod- 
est. Consider, for example, a 
smaller one-line bus depot 
instead of an enormous "hub" 
station that serves many differ- 
ent routes, 

■ Do you prefer quiet or livelier 
surroundings? There's a bit of a 
tradeoff here, because food is 
more easily available in city 
interiors, so you may have to 
put up with some occasional 
horn-honking if elegant dining 
is your thing! 

■ Do you or any members of your 
family have any allergies or ail- 
ments that would be exacerbat- 
ed by, say, higher than average 
carbon monoxide levels? 

■ Are you "winter folks"? If you 
like it snuggly warm and you 
live in northern climes, you'll 
probably go for an indoor situa- 
tion rather than, say, a cardboard 
box outdoors. But remember, 
cardboard boxes are the "mobile 
homes" of money-free 
Americans, and can easily be 
placed over a steam grate should 
one prove to be available. 

An added benefit of card- 
board-box residency is that the 
exteriors are often decorated 
with the names and insignias of 
the manufacturing companies 
that made America great! These 
also provide an "instant address** 
by which friends and relatives 
can easily distinguish your fami- 
ly's home from those of others. 

■ Are you a fussy decorator? 
Many transportation domi- 
ciles — train stations, bus depots, 
and airports — have been "pre- 
designed" by highly paid interior 
decorators, and provide an 
atmosphere that is pleasing to 
the eye and the senses. Yet, if 
your tastes are more iconoclas- 
tic, you should know that, in 
such places, your "landlord" 
might frown on new additions to 
the decor. If you prefer a highly 
individualized style of interior- 
ization, you may wish to opt for 



a cardboard box which you can 
decorate to your heart's content, 
or an alleyway without any win- 
dows looking out over it. 

THE ART OF FINE 
MONEY-FREE DINING 

And what would you enjoy 
tonight? A bocf a la orange? 
Peking duck? Or just a burger, fries 
and all the trimmings? 

Whatever it is, it can be yours — 
and the lady of the family will never 
have to slave over a hot stove! You 
just have to be willing to adjust your 
dining hours a bit, say to three or 
four o'clock in the morning. 

But during these romantic 
hours , a feast can be yours for the 
taking! Repasts from all nations of 
the world, superbly prepared, are 
readily available in charming, dimly 
lit al fresco surroundings. And, like 
kings of old, youMl know that 
everything you eat has been "prc- 
tasted" for you! 

To get your food, simply lift the 
lid off your "cylindrical serving 
tray" and dig in! If silverware isn't 
handy, you'll find that it can easily 
be fashioned from various pre- 
owned items that can most likely be 
found in your immediate environ- 
ment, such as the spokes of a broken 
umbrella. Old newspapers make 
dandy napkins, also providing inter- 
esting things to read, think and chat 
about while you dine. 

What's more, instead of eating 
individualized portions one right 
after another (the old-fashioned, 
inefficient way) you'll frequently 
find that all of your various courses 
have been efficiently combined for 
you into one tasty "mega-stew"? 

For something to drink, you'll 
find abundant amounts of nature's 



■$ 



^o^oc^x^ 







if. NATIONAL LAMPOON 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



finest H 2 available in a puddle, or, 
if it hasn't rained recently, at various 
"dripping pipe fountains" in your 
environment whose whereabouts 
you'll quickly come to know. And, 
while raising your paper cups (easi- 
ly made by folding up a discarded 
business-reply card), don't forget to 
toast the variety of the exciting 
experiences you're having as a 
money- free American ! 

PERSONAL HYGIENE 

For money-free Americans of 
all races, creeds and backgrounds, 
you'll find that your society respects 
your needs for personal hygiene and 
goes to great lengths to make such 
service available. 

If you reside in a transportation 
domicile, of course, you'll have your 
own private rest rooms, complete 
with multiple porcelain commodes — 
so you'll never have a problem 
should "two family members need il 
at once"! But even if you opt for 
fresh-air living, you'll find that your 
"insider" neighbors will be happy to 
welcome you and generously allow 
you to share their facilities. 

Many department stores will 
also allow moncy-frcc Americans to 
use their "ladies and gcntlcmcns," 
as long as you pretend that you've 
come there to buy something. And 
if you prefer to take the appellation 
"rest room" seriously, you'll discov- 
er that many come with self-con- 
tained broom-and-mop areas where 
the hearty napper won't be dis- 
turbed for hours! 

In winter months, especially in 
northern states, finding a shower is 
easy, as all sorts of things, from roof 
eaves to icicles on highway under- 
passes, drip constantly. In warmer 
climes, it isn't difficult to find a 
pond for a quick dip, especially in 
factory site areas (but be sure not to 
dive in if the water is bubbling, 
frothing, or isn't transparent). 

Of course, we live in an imper- 
fect world and, for money -free 
Americans as for their money-hav- 
ing counterparts, illness may occa- 
sionally occur. Many bookstores, 
you'll find, have extensive health 
sections listing various symptoms 
and what to do about them, and, 
because people are often embarassed 
about reading these books, they're 




>^^^ 



generally hidden in back sections 
where store personnel are unlikely to 
mind you browsing, The local 
library is also an excellent source of 
health related information, and, for 
severe cases, you'll find that the 
medical section is often frequented 
by doctors who will be happy to take 
an "information break" and answer a 
question or two* 

But remember, as a money-free 
American, you have the advantage 
of an immune system that's con- 
stantly exposed to many different 
kinds of people, and so will be func- 
tioning at maximum efficiency! For 
much of the time, you'll find, the 
money-free life is a long and rela- 
tively healthy one. 

RECREATION FOR THE 
MONEY-FREE 

As a money-free American, 
you'll find that you have nothing 
but time — and many wonderful, 
fun-filled ways to use it! Indeed, 
while money-having Americans are 
off working, you'll be enjoying a 
permanent vacation and sampling 
all of the delights our society has to 
offer! For example... 

■ Into sports? When the big 
games are on, you'll find that, 
wherever you go, people arc lis- 
tening to them on portable 
radios. And since nobody is 
more mobile than the money- 
free American, there's nothing 
to stop you from hanging 
around within earshot! 

■ Is TV your thing? You'll find 
that a variety of our nation's 
taverns have a TV set promi- 
nently displayed above the bar, 
and in a position so that it's 
clearly visible through the win- 
dow. Additionally, stores that 



sell television sets frequently 
display their wares in the win- 
dows themselves, tuned to many 
different channels in an enter- 
tainment extravaganza that 
money-having Americans arc 
sure to miss! 

Although you may at times 
miss hearing the sound, it's gener- 
ally agreed that the things that 
people say arc the worst part of 
what's on TV. And, of course, 
you'll always be able to figure out 
what's going on in typical scenes 
containing car chases, knifings, 
and game-show giveaways. 
Dig music? If you're fortunate 
enough to live in a big city, 
you' 11 find that many downtown 
commercial establishments play 
the latest rock hits through loud- 
speakers right in front. Or, if 
Mantovanni is more your key, 
you can enjoy the pleasures of 
domesticity in an airport lounge 
or elevator, which will often 
provide a steady serving of your 
favorite fare, 24 hours a day, 
Either way, you'll never even 
have to change an album, turn a 
knob, or bother with a remote 
control. 

Love to dance? Who needs a 
fancy club when the sidewalks 




of our great cities are yours? 
You may even make a new 
friend or two! 

For the kids, many stores fea- 
ture a variety of teddy bears, 
dolls, and other lovcable objects 
just waiting for your youngster 
to enjoy a "window hug"! 
And if you're the intellectual 
type who just loves a good read, 
you'll be glad to know that the 
first thing that money-having 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 17 



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Wrongful Death 
Insurance Litigation 



yL 



We Can Help! 

Free Consultation 
1 800 25 Legal 



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people get rid of is "great 
books." They can be found in 
virtually any of the "detritus 
supermarkets" on the outskirts 
of most cities, and then enjoyed 
on a park bench with your "floor 
lamp" being the sun above that 
sustains all life on earth! 
■ And here's a tip: If you're single 
and dating, you don't need 
money to enjoy a hillside or a 
sky filled with stars. And if you 
just dig deep enough into the 
ground, yon may find some of 
"nature's bubbly" in help you 
make perfect the evening of 
your dreams ! 

SOME ADVICE FOR THE 
QUASI-MONEY FREE 

Many Americans are ready to 
make the total commitment to 
money-free living. But there are 
some who aren't completely ready 
yet, and would prefer to "get their 
feet wet" by occasionally still being 
able to buy an item or two. 

These "silver/coppcr-posscss- 
ing, quasi-money-free Americans" 
will find that money-having 
Americans are frequently glad to 



provide for their needs. Simply 
stand on any corner where money- 
having Americans pass by, and 
kindly provide them with a can or 
decanter in which Lo conveniently 
place some of their small change. If 
you want, you can prompt them to 
do so in a courteous way by saying 
any of the following: 

■ "My aunt just died and she lives 
six hundred miles away from 
here, and I've got to get the bus 
fare to go sec hen" 

■ "Please help me, Fm starving." 

■ "I have a horrible disease and, if 
you don't give me money, I'll 
touch you." 

■ "I could be robbing you, man, 
but fm asking, instead. 

■ "I think I might have a hernia." 
However, as you get used to your 

new lifestyle, you'll find that your 
desire for money is just a clinging 
remnant of your past, and you should 
soon lose it entirely as you begin to 
sample the benefits and conveniences 
of your new status in society. 

IN CONCLUSION 

America's future is money-free! 
Remember — you're the harbingers 



of what's to come. You're the 
visionaries, the pacesetters in this 
brave new frontier. You're setting 
the example and millions and mil- 
lions more Americans will soon be 
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We hope this handy booklet 
helps you and your family make the 
most of your new money -free exis- 
tence. And remember, now that 
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million other uses! 






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'•■■.•*■) -a 







18 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




The CrowSdtrk. 
[Atlantic] 03173 

Arrested Development: 
Zfngalamadunl 

(Crirys3lis) 04936 

Nirvana; In Ulero 
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Zhana: Pronounced Jnh- 
Nay (Motown) 00115 

R.E.M.: Automatic 
For The People 
{WarnBr Buys.) 00121 

Red Hot Chili Peppers: 
Whai Hits!* (EMI) 00144 J 

Phil Collins; Serious 
Hits. ..Live! (Atlantic) 00324 

Toni Braxton 
{La Face) 00420 
Johnny Cash: Classic Cash 
(Mercury) 00595 

Best Of Dire Straits: 
Money For Nothing 
(Warner Bros J 00713 

Stone Temple Pilots: Cere 
(Atlantic) 00981 

Don Henley: The End 

Of The Innocence 

(Geffen) 01064 

Sting: Ten Summoner's 

Tales (A&M) 01334 

James Brown: 

20 All-Time Greatest Hits 

(PotyrJo/)01342 

Owlohl Yoakam; This Time 

(Reprise) 01360 

Frank Sinatra: Sinatra And 
Sextet: Live In Parla 
(Reprise) 01407 

Aaron Neville: The Grand 
Tout [A&M] 01519 

Guns N' Roses: The 
Spaghetti Incident 
(Geflen) 01 570 * 

At WorsL.. The Best Of 
Culture Club And Soy 
George (SBK) 01575 

Cassandra Wilson; 
Blue Light J TII Dawn 
(Blue Note) 01577 

SaU-N-Pepa:Vefy 
Necessary (Next 

Pfateau/LondonJOISOS 

Mary J. Bilge: 

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(Uptown) 01 61 2 

Wu-Tang Clan; Enter The 
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JodeclrDlaryOIAHad 
Band [Uptown) 01615 * 

Lemonheads: Come On 
Feel The Lemonheads 
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Al Jarreau: Tenderness 
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Snoop Doggy Oogg : 
Doggyslyle 

(lnterstope)01692* 
Genesis: Live: 
The Way We Walk, Vol 1 
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The Sest Of Lou Reed: 
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22 Top: Antenna 
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John Michael Montgomery: 

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Faith Hill: Take Me As I Am 

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Yanni: 

Live At The Acropolis 

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Tori Amos: Under The Pink 
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Mad About Mozart 
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Cuts (Capitol) 02511 
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FORTHE PRICE OF 



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Ace Of Base: The Sign 
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Heavy D. & The Boy z: 
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(MCA) 02525 
Sarah McLachlan: 
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(Arista) 02536 

Richard Marx: Paid 
Vacailon (Capitol) 02537 

Opera's Greatest Moments 

(RCA Victor fled Seal) 02561c 

Grammy* F s Greatest 
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(Allanlic) 02594 

The Mavericks: 
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(MCA) 02601 

Matthew Sweet: Son 01 
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Confederate Railroad: 
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Macao Parker: Southern 
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Tom Petty & The 

Heart breakers: Greatasl 
Hits IMCAJ 02390 

DFC; Things in Tha Hood 

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Rendy Travis: Tills la Me 
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Jlmi Hendrlx: Blues 
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SWV: The Be mixes 
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Reality Bites ! Sdtrk 
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Carpenters' The Singles 
1969-1973 (A&M) 04393 

Yes: Talk (Victory) 04940 
Pride a Glory 
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File Fitzgerald: The Best Of 
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Warren G: Re gutate,.. ■ 
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Stevie Nicks: Street Anger 
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Peter Gabriel: Shaking The 
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A Tribute To Curtis Mayf I eld 
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Meat Puppets: Too High To 
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Aaliyah: Age Ain't Nothing 
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Crash Test Dummies; God 

Shuffled His Feet 
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Tom Jonas: The Complete 
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Nirvana; Nevermind 
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The Best Of Aretha Franklin 
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Paul Simon: Negotiations 
And Love Songs 1971*66 

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ABBA: Gold-Greatest Hits 
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Violent Femmes: 
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IReprise/Slash} 20660 * 

AC/DC: Who Made Who- 
Greatest Hits 
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Eric Clapton: Unplugged 
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James Taylor; Greatest Hits 
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Gin Blossoms; New 
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-CMJMC MCJt'f CMMTKSr #flrS 



The Very Best Of Cream: 
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Fleetwood Mac: 
Greatest Hits 
(Warner Bros ) 00796 

Lynyrd Skynyjd; 
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The Best Of Joe Cocker 

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Creedence Clearwater 
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Jlmi Hendrlx: 

The Ultimate Experience 

(MCA) 01527 

Boy Or bison: In Dreams- 
The Greatest Mis 

(Virgin) 02636 



Elton John: 
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Supertramp; 

Classics (14 Greatest Hits] 

(A&M) 04691 

Peter Frarnptoji: 
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(ASM) 04694 

Styx: Classics 
(14 Greatest Hits) 
(A&M) 14622c 

Eric Clapton: 

Timepieces -Greatest Hits 
(Polydor) 23365 

The Eagles: 

Greatest Hits 1971-1975 

(Asylum ) 23461 

TheeestOfTheB^ach 
Boys (Capitol) 23946 



Foreigner; The Very 
Beat. ..And Beyond 
(Atlantic) 24725 

The Steve Miller Band; 

Greatest Hits 1974-1976 
(Capitol ) 33193 

Moody Blues: 
Greatest Hits 
(Threshold) 34264 

All man Brothers Band: A 
Decade Of Hits 1 969-1 S79 
(Polydor) 35031 

David Bowie: 
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(R^OdrSC) 43693 

Yes: Classic Yes 
(Atlantic) 60248 

Bob Marley: Legend 
(island) S3S21 

Marvin Gaye: 
15 Greatest Hits 
(Motown) 53594e 



Bad Company: 
10 From 6 — 
Their Greatest Hits 
(Atlantic) 60321 

Jelhro Tull; 
Original Masters 

(Chrysalis) 63646 

Elvis Presley: 

The Number One Hits 

(RCA) 72190 

ZZ Top: Greatest Hits 
(Warner Bros.) 63411 

The Who; 

Who's Better Who's Bear 

(MCA) 00790 

Rod Stewart r 

The Mercury Anthology 

(Mercury) Oil 61 a 

Buffalo Springfield: 
Retrospective 
(ATCO) 00844 



A Tribute To Mites ^ ■ 

(QwesUReptise) 02741 

John Scotield&Pat 
Metheny: I Can See Your 
House From Here (Blue 
Note) 02744 

Sammy Hagar; Unboxed 
{GO ten) 02745 

Rhythm, Country & Blues 
(MCA) 02752 

Green Pay: Dookle 

(Reprise) 02753* 

Nine inch Nails: The 
Downward Spiral 
(Inlerscope) 02767 t 

Tom Petty & The 
HBartbreakers: Damn The 
Torpedoes (MCA) 02610 
Pauarottl: My heart's 
Delight A? jeen on PB$! 
(London) 02653 

Frank Sinatra: Dueta {5 

(Capitol) 03039 £ 

Pat Melheny: Zero 3 

Tolerance For Silence 
(DGQ 03052 C 

Outkast: S out hemp; -ny- 
allsllcadillacmuzik [La 
Face) 03062 

Live: Throwing Copper 
(Radio active/MCA) 030B5 * 

Lorrle Morgan: War Paint 
(BNA) 0-3092 

John Berry (Liberty) 03095 

Angefa Wlnbush 
(Elektra) 03125 




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FORTHE PRICE OF 

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with nothing more to buy, ever! 





M-4-OfU (Ataxic) 03267 

WhHn6yH0Lurtofi;The 
Bodyguard Soundtrack 
[Arieia) 54213 

Sllnd Melon (Capflol) 542M 

Kenny G: Breathless 
(Arista) 54317 

White Zombie: La 
Sexorclsto: Devil Music 

Vat. 1 rGcffon) 54333 > 

En Vogue: funky Dives 
{East Wsst) 61717 

Noll Young: Unplugged 
(Reprisa) 641 £5 
Qotte Midler: Experience 
The Divine- Greatest HEte 
(Atlantic) 64291 

Morrissey : Vauxhall & I 
[Reprise/Sire) 64421 

Wynonna 
(MCA/Curb) 64540 

Duren Duran: 

Decade/QreatBBt Hrta 

(Capitol) 73S73 

The Police: Every Breath 

You Take— The Singles 

[ASM} 73924 

Alan Jackson: A Lot About 

LWIrt' (And A Ltttte 'Bout 

Love* [Arista) T4074 



jsmroy Butfam FtuUcakts 
(MCA) 0333G 

Stl aqullie O'Neal: Shaq 
Diesel (Jive) 74293 

Steely Dan: Gold 
(MCA) 74339 
Tea Cranberries: 
Everybody Else l& Doing it, 
So Why Can't We? 
{leland} 80023 
Meat Loaf: Bet Out Of Hell 
II: Back Into Holl 
(MCA)B3394 

John Mel I on camp: Human 
Wheels (Mercury) 83522 

R Kelly: l2*Play 
(Jive) 6381 S 

Nell Diamond: 12 Greatest 
Hits (MCA] 84060 

The Cure: Show 
(tloki-'a) 91848 

Garth Brooke: in Pieces 
(Liberty) 93710 

Stem Free: A Tribute To 
Jlml Hondrlx 
{Reprise) &4155 

U2;RattieAiwiHum 
(Island) 00596 



PattilJiBelle:<3fltns 
(MCA) 03338 

Van Halen; Live: 
Right Hero, Right Now 
(Warner Bros J 01 1GS fa 

New Order: Substance 
(Cwesl) 01247* 

Talking Heads: Popular 
Fa vorftos 1976-1 992 Sand 
In The vaseline (Warner 
Bros /Sire) 01414* 

Madonna: The Immaculate 
Collection (Slre}S4164 

Prince: The Hits 1 
(W&Parsley Park] 02228 i 

Garth Brooks: The Chase 
(Liberty) 00141 

Erasure: Pop) The First 20 
Hits (Reprise) 00326 

Madcnne: Erotica 
(Sire/Maverick) ma79* 

John Michael Montgomery: 
Ufe'e A Dance 
(Atlantic) 01265 
Sheryl Crow: Tuesday Night 
Music Club ( A3 M) 03061 
Pet Shop Boys: 
Dlscogrephy-The Complete 
Singles Collection 
fEMl) 05805 



E *M 



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EMU! 




T Tuntsvilte, 

§—§ Texas. William 

X X Steven Motz laughed and 
taunted protesters as he left 
Huntsville State Prison a free man 
today. Motz, also known as "The 
Animal", had terrorized youths all 
across the southeast over a nine 
year period, stalking and killing no 
less than thirty teen-aged victims 
at various isolated summer camps. 
Dismemberment mutilation, sexu- 
al assault — these were his meth- 
ods* Hate, rage -- his motives. 
Forever — the length of time he 
was supposed to be put away, 

William Steven Motz smiled for 
reporters as he approached the bat- 
tery of microphones to give a state- 
ment. His lawyers advised him one 
last time that he was under no 
obligation to do so, but Motz waved 
them off, He wanted to set the 
record straight. At the stand he 
glared at the assembled audience, 

"I regret that I have but one 
life to give for my country," he said 
with a smirk/'and by the way, for 
those of you who tried to keep me 
down, I know who ya 1 are and Vm 
coming to getcha, every last one of 
you." He then stomped off the 
podium while observers gasped in 
horror. Incredibly, he was a free 
man; and apparently unrepentant 
and vengeful as ever. 

That Motz could be walking 
the streets unfettere — especially 
after a judge and jury had sen- 
tenced him to life without possibil- 
ity of parole, plus one day — seemed 
preposterous. But there he was, live 
and in color; and all based on a 
technicality. 



"We 
thought we 
were doing the 
right thing/' says Mary H. of 
Beaumont, a juror who wishes to 
remain anonymous for fear of her 
life. "We're all God-cowering 
Christian folk. We knew he was 
guilty, but we didn't want to sen- 
tence him to death. It didn't feel 
right to re-pay killing with killing, 
so we gave him life in prison." 

"I see now, however, that we 
should have given him the death 
penalty," continues Mary H., a 
music teacher at Lyndon Johnson 
Elementary, located at 358 Doheny 
in Beaumont, "He'd be rotting in 
his grave now instead of on the 
streets, We're all living scared little 
rabbit lives, God forbid that he 
should ever get his clutches on a 
member of my family!" Mary H. 
expresses special concern for her 
daughter Lisa H. who attends dance 
classes Tuesdays and Thursdays 
from 4-5 p.m. at the Linecum Ballet 
Academy. "He knows I have a 
daughter, and it's only a matter of 
time before he figures a way to get 
her. 31 

And just how did Motz slip 
through the clutches of the penal 
system? How did he escape life 
without possibility of parole? 
Simple. He died. "Legally, he's on 
solid ground. Absolutely, one-hun- 
dred percent in the right," says 
Johnnie Cochmein, a prominent 
constitutional law attorney. "But, 
this isn't me saying it. The 
Supreme Court of the United States 
has said it," 




o 
o 



In 
the land- 
mark case 

of Motz v\ 
State of Texas 

(1994), the Supreme Court ruled 
that because Motz was legally dead 
for four minutes after a minor 
medical procedure on February 4, 
1992, he had technically served his 
life sentence. At the Supreme 
Court hearing, experts testified 
that during the medical procedure 
Motz had "no record of pulse, 
heartbeat or respiration. An elec- 
troencephologram (E.E.G.) showed 
no brain wave activity." 

"Petitioner's sentence was life 
plus one day. One day after he died 
the Petitioner (Motz) should have 
been released," said the court. 
"Despite the fact that he is a con- 
victed, cold-blooded killer, this 
court cannot ignore Petitioner's 
inalienable rights under the 
Constitution and Bill of Rights, 
Holding Petitioner in prison any 
longer will constitute cruel and 
unusual punishment under the 
Eighth Amendment." 

And as if this decision wasn't 
shocking enough, because Motz 
was not released exactly one day 
later by Huntsvi lie's Warden Billy 
Frank Bassham, Motz has filed a 
civil rights suit against the State of 
Texas for $35 million. Bassham 
cited public safety concerns for not 
releasing Motz. In addition, he 
noted that he had no legal authori- 
ty to do so; such authorization can 
only come from the Department of 



CoDvriaht(d^^^^6MIRyaAlamDoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPQOK 



Corrections which had refused 
Motz's petition. 

A spokesperson for the depart- 
ment said, "We stand behind our 
decision. Motz's sentence was a life 
sentence plus one day. The clear 
intent was to incarcerate the felon 
for the remainder of his natural 
life. Since he's still alive. We think 
it's apparent that Mr, Motz was 
right where he belonged." 

"That type of arrogance only 
exacerbated the damages that my 
client had to endure," contests 
Kenneth Q, Rosenblowob, a San 
Antonio attorney representing 
Motz. "Tragically, my client was 
kept in prison a full two years after 
he should have been released. Even 
after we took our case to trial and 
the Supreme Court of the United 
States ordered his release, it still 
took a writ from Federal Marshals 
to force Department of Corrections 
personnel to liberate my client He 
should have been a free man long 
ago, but he's been treated like a 
goddamn common criminal." 

Rosenblowob is seeking 
$10,000 damages for every day 
Motz was in prison after he died. 
Many consider this compensatory 
sum to be way out of tine. 

"What's it worth to you?" 
Rosenblowob asks, on a nationally- 
televised talk show. "Is $10,000 too 
much to ask for a day's worth of 
freedom?" He pulls out a wad of 
bills and offers them to the crowd. 
"Here, I'll give this money to 
whomever wants to spend one day 
in Huntsville, the meanest, dirtiest, 
toughest prison in America. Your 
worst nightmares are only the 
beginning. One 
day there and 
you'll limp for 
the rest of your 
life. Any tak- 
ers?" No one rises 
to accept the prize. "I 
didn't think so," 

But there's some- 
thing missing to this 
story; a key that ties 
this twisted tale 
together. That key is 
Dr. Richard Azzimi. 

Dr. Kevorkian, get 
out of the way. The 



real Doctor Death has arrived, and 
he makes no apologies. 

"Motz's death was merely a 
surprising by-product of the relax- 
ation therapy I administered at 

the request of State officials, I 
might note," says Dr. Azzimi. 

Adds Azzimi, "True, Motz 
received a windfall due to his 
death, but it was not I who released 
him from prison, Everyone's saying 
I let a cold-blooded killer out on 
the streets. Hey, 1 was just doing 
my job, Period." 

The bizarre story that led to 
Motz's death and court ordered 
release began to unfold in late 
1991. That's when Motz first com- 
plained to prison officials of stress- 
related disorders while held in soli- 
tary confinement for biting the ear 
off a fellow inmate. When subse- 
quent treatment by state physicians 
failed to alleviate Motz's symptoms, 
prison officials, fearful of a stress- 
related illness lawsuit by Motz 
(there have been numerous suc- 
cessful suits by inmates against 
prisons nation-wide), authorized 
Motz to choose an outside physi- 
cian to attend to his needs. After 
several closed-door meetings, Motz 
chose Dr. Azzimi, who was then 
approved by Warden Bassham. 

Azzimi recommended mas- 
sages, meditation, and "relaxation 
therapy" for Motz. One such relax- 
ation method called for Motz to tie 
in an ice-cold pool 
until his tempera- 
ture dropped dra- 
matically in what 
Azzimi called a 
"spiritual cleans- 
ing bath". State 

physicians 




>** 



warned of the possibility of 
hypothermia. However, after both 
Motz and Azzimi signed waivers 
releasing the State from liability, 
Warden Bassham approved the pro- 
cedure. 

There is no disputing that 
Motz ended up clinically dead for 
three minutes during the proce- 
dure; but how this occurred is still 
in dispute. Doctor Azzimi and 
Motz's attorney insist that Motz 
suffered hypothermia during his 
three-hour immmersion. Azzimi 
admits that he overestimated 
Motz's ability to handle the cold, 
thereby causing the inmate's 
untimely death. "Fortunately," says 
Azzimi, u Mr. Motz was brought 
back to life seven minutes later by 
the application of an electric fibril- 
lation device. Simply put, he is a 
very lucky, resillient man." 

However, skeptics claim that 
the hypothermia diagnosis is merely 
a smoke-screen to conceal the real 
cause of Motz's death. They point to 
the work of doctors at the 
Novosibirsk Institute in Siberia, 
where, because of a lack of equip- 
ment, the doctors pack heart 
surgery patients in ice to block the 
flow of blood to the brain. 
Subsequently, they stop the heart 
with potassium chloride, rendering 
the patient clinically dead. The 
crude procedure gives them 90 min- 
utes to complete the surgery with- 
out risking brain damage. Heart 
surgeons at the Institute perform 
1,200 to 1,500 such operations a 
year, {Omni, August 1994). 

The skeptics claim 
that Azzimi and Motz 
conspired to cause 
Motz's death in a 
manner that best 
facilitated his 
release, saying 
that Motz was so 
desperate to get 
out of Hunts- 
ville, he would do 
anything. Even 
die, It is insinuat- 
ed that Azzimi 
secretly injected 
Motz with potas- 
sium chloride, 
rendering him 



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clinically dead for seven minutes, 
before taking measures to restore 
his life. This scenario is made even 
more plausible when it was 
revealed that Azzinii was an attend- 
ing physician at the Novosibirsk 
Institute, before emigrating to the 
United States, 

Yet, so far, no one has been able 
to find any concrete evidence indi- 
cating wrong-doing. "They can't 
prove their point/' says Azzimi, 
"because there is no point to prove. 
Just hints and allegations." 

Either way, Motz is a free man, 
and there is now a two-year waiting 
list in federal and state prisons for 
inmates to participate in Dr. 
Azimmi's massage and relaxation 
therapy. This has law officials in an 
uproar. 

In order to prevent other poten- 
tial "releases by death," prosecutors 
have tried to bring Azzimi on 
charges of both manslaughter and 
assisting a suicide. I lowever, proof is 
hard to come by; and, as prosecu- 
tors point out, the fact that Motz is 
alive makes a conviction unlikely. 
'it's really hard to convict someone 
of homicide when the victim is still 
kicking in the world of flesh and 
blood/' admits DA Fred Seale, 

So what lies ahead for William 
Steven Motz? "I'd like to open a 
day-care center," he 
explains in an 
exclusive interview 
with People. 

"Everyone has mis- 
judged me. I've 
served my sentence 
and I've learned my 
lesson. What else 
can I say." 

He doesn't have 
to say much. His 
agent at CAA is 
negotiating a sit- 
com deal for him 
with a major net- 
work as you read. 
"Mote Ballz" is set to 
start shooting in the 
early Spring. It's the 
zany story of Motz, 
an ex-con in hiding, 
and Ballz, an ex-cop 
dismissed for police 
brutality, who open 



up a day care center in the suburbs 

of Houston, "It's great little story/' 
says Motz's agent. "We have John 
Lithgow as Ballz, and Nell Carter is 
signed to play Motz's parole officer. I 
think we've got a hit." 

There's even talk of a story of 
Motz's life (and death) from Tri- 
Star. Set to star as both Motz and 
the cop who busted him is the 
dynamic Tommy Lee Jones. 

Sadly, there's no show business 
glitz and glamour for the families 
of the slain victims. They're not 
even getting any proceeds from the 
production of the film about the 
s layings. All they have left to show 
for their suffering is gray hair and a 
noticeable fear for their lives. 

And what does Motz say about 
this perceived threat by him? Is 
their fear warranted? "Oh, come 
on. Can't they take a joke? I've 
done my time. I've been rehabilitat- 
ed. I don't think I need to prove 
myself to... .well, I won't commit to 
saying anything. I do have some 
old scores to settle, but mostly with 
jurors and people that testified 
against me; I don't feel any animos- 
ity toward the victims' families. 
And as far as random acts of vio- 
lence on innocents, on people I 
don't know, I'm pretty sure that's 
all behind me now. Imagine... after 



this series (Motz Ballz) takes off, I 
won't need to vent my bitterness 
and sexual frustration on happy-go- 
luck teenagers with a twelve-inch 
butcher knife. No more frustration 
for me, Just line up the chicks and 
let me inspect them," 

He tights a Cuban cigar, "Dying 
has really shown me the meaning 
of life. I understand it's precious- 
ness. I feel bad about my victims, 
but there's not much I can do 
about it now, Se la vie, that's life. 
Or should I say, that's death. No, 
just joking." An idea. "Hey, maybe I 
could make it up to them (the vic- 
tims' families). We have a few tick- 
ets left for the first taping of 'Motz 
Ballz.' Tell 'em all to come on 
down," he laughs. 



pi 




i+0 Veers'! Wouwd You Pweos* * - 
Full over MD ask 5*rte€*t>Y#? " 



REBEL YELL 

byRJI 

icture this: In the dry hills of 
Arkansas, 100 miles west of 
Little Rock, a young pregnant 
girl stands on the baked clay drive- 
way clasping her six-fingered hands 
together to her budding breasts. 
She smiles coyly at her cousin, a 
bare-foot boy sitting on the porch. 
She tries to get his attention, but 
he's pretending not to notice, con- 
centrating his faculties instead on 
an angry, red rash ravaging his arm. 
Ignore something 
long enough and 
maybe it will go 
away— a tenet he 
applies to swelling 
young girls - but not 
to stange rashes, 
which he scratches 
at furiously causing 
it to enflame. 
Meanwhile, under- 
neath the porch a 
hound dog rests with 
his head partly in the 
water dish. Slowly, 
he lifts his head, 
stares at the girl, 
then shakes off the 
flies which are laying 
eggs on his nose. It 
is so very hot, the 
sun radiates intense 
heat and everything 
appears on the verge 
of collapse. Nearby, 



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down 

by the creek, an old 

man stirs the coals beneath his 

still, smacking his rotted mouth. 

He knows nothing will stop him 

from getting shit-faced tonight. 

A depressing vignette? Most 
people would concur. In a recent 
poll held by Newsweek, people 
voted Arkansas as the worst loca- 
tion in the country; the place most 
likely to drive them to alcoholism 
or suicide by gunshot. But things 
are changing, and as of late, people 
have been flocking to this godfor- 
saken land in droves; and it all has 
to do with one man and his vision. 

"I would lay my life down for 
Scruggs Beaureguard. I believe in 
him and what he stands for/' says 
Clint Scranton, an unemployed 
autoworker from Atlanta. Mr. 
Scranton is not alone. In fact, fif- 
teen-thousand other southerners 
share the same undying love for 
Mr. Beaureguard, and that number 
is growing daily. He is the prophet 
of the New South, a cult-figure that 
has vowed to raise the oppressed 
southern man from "the ashes of 
Northern tyranny and into the 
light of a glorious era," 

Typically found sitting on a 
stump in front of his tent, Scruggs 



Beaureguard, at first glance, does 
not appear the type of man to inspire 
the devoted following he enjoys. He 
is short and slight, with a black, 
scraggly beard that is matted with 
tobacco spit and flakes of wood, a 
product of his constant whittling. 
His brown eyes bulge precariously 
from their sockets, and are discon- 
certingly close together, giving 
him a distrustful rodent 
look. The only thing about 
the man that could be 
described as awe-inspir- 
ing is the odor that his 
body generates, an odor 
so fierce that it has been 
likened to a decompos- 
ing dung heap. It is 
only when he speaks, 
such as when he gath- 
ers his close adjutants 
under the boughs of 
the huge oak tree that sits 
in the middle of the camp, that 
you get a full measure of his mag- 
netism. The words start with a slow, 
quiet resonance, as he outlines the 
duties that need to be performed 
during the course of the day, before 
building to a climatic flurry of reli- 
gious scriptures and depredations 
against the North. 

Scruggs Beaureguard is an enig- 
matic character. People don't know 
whether he's a genius or madman, 
good or evil. His past is somewhat of 
a conundrum, too. The popular 
story that he most likes to promote 
is that he is the direct descendent of 
General James Beaureguard of the 
56th South Carolina. 

According to Scruggs, General 
Beaureguard broke off from Robert 
E. Lee's shattered armies in Virginia 
during the last days of the 
Confederacy, in order to join forces 
with General E.B.White in Texas. 
Unfortunately, as the story goes, 
Beaureguard made it only as far as 
Arkansas before Lee surrendered at 
Appamattox. Seeing Lee's surrender 
as only a minor setback, General 
Beaureguard hid his army in the 
wilderness of the Ozarks, feeding off 
the land, quietly biding time in 
hopes of once again renewing the 
initiative against the North. Of 
course, this initiative never came to 
pass, and soon Beaureguard and his 



army were forgotten. Until now. 
Scruggs has picked up his ancestor's 
mantle and declared himself the 
leader of the General's lost army. Not 
everybody is convinced of Scruggs' 
genealogical history, however. 

"The guy is cracked in the 
head," says noted historian Bruce 
Catton of the Smithsonian 
Historical Society. "Anybody can 
tell you that Beaureguard surren- 
dered with Lee at Appamattox. In 
fact, General Beaureguard lived out 
his days as a civic leader in 
Louisiana, his home state, and 
played an important part in the 
ease of reconstruction in that area. 
The idea of him roaming around 
the redneck hills of Arkansas with a 
rebel army from South Carolina is 
complete bonk." 

There seems to be other gaps 
in Scruggs' claimed heritage. 
Indeed, simple investigation reveals 
that his name is not Scruggs 
Beaureguard at all, but rather a 
more drab Bill Carter, born in 
Texarkana in 1954. 

"For Christ's Sake, that little 
runt worked the rail switch with 
me outside of Arkadelphia," says 
old acquaintance Grady Spencer, 
"He never said anything about 
being the son of a famous general. 
He was just smelly oP Bill then. I 
remember he got fired when he 
green-lighted a freight onto the 
Amtrak mainline and caused a bad 
wreck. Company hates it when you 
do that. They canned him right on 
the spot. Boy, was he mad." 

Other people who knew him 
also cast doubt on Scruggs public 
persona. Retired school teacher 
Stephanie Comer who taught 
young Bill in the second grade says, 
"Bill Carter was a liar and a thief. 
None of the other students liked 
him because he would steal their 
school supplies. Also, there was the 
time that he took the world globe, 
something that the class had saved 
up for by selling cookies, and wrote 
obscene names on all the countries 
and oceans in permanent ink. The 
class cried for days. I had to use the 
paddle on him a lot. I remember he 
was such a stinky little thing, 
too.....smelled like a dead polecat." 

Even Bill's mother, Evelyn Sue 



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Smith (Carter), who lives at the 
Meadow Pines Convalescent Home 
in Hope, Arkansas, has nothing 
good to say about her son. "Billy 
was a bad egg. I was constantly 
having to whup his ass. That's all I 
have to say. His memory causes me 
much pain." 

Son of a war hero or malodor- 
ous delinquent? Somewhere in 
between lies the truth. 

Despite these questionable 
beginnings, there is little doubt of 
where Scruggs is heading. His 
hateful diatribes against the rent- 
ing fabric of Southern society has 
perked the ears of many a white 
male from rural communities. 

Psychologist Elizabeth Jackson 
of UCLA who has extensively stud- 
ied the phenomenon of cults sees 
Scruggs as a typical demigod. 
"Scruggs attracts followers not just 
with what he says but also with the 
confidence and conviction of how 
he says it," says Dr, Jackson. 

"He has tapped into the dis- 
gruntled Southern white popula- 
tion, a population that feels ignored 
by the government in Washington 



and scared by the threatening pos- 
ture of minority communities. He 
invents fears for these people and 
then offers himself as the solution. 
When you combine ignorance, 
weak willed minds, and Scruggs, 
you get trouble. 

It's all too easy to discount 
Scruggs as an illiterate blowhard, 
but one only has to look at the 
Little Rock Moonshine Putsch to 
see the destructive influence that 
he wields. 

The now infamous Moonshine 
Putsch occurred when Scruggs and 
a group of his toughs entered a bar 
and attempted to "kick the ever- 
loving shit" out of the bartender 
who had refused to serve them. 
When a deputy-sheriff, a Latino, 
tried to break up the scuffle, a 
brawl ensued, soon turning into a 
full-fledged riot with participants 
numbering in the thousands. When 
the smoke finally cleared, three city 
blocks had been burned to the 
ground. Scruggs and his compatri- 
ots were arrested and sentenced to 
three weeks in the city jail. It was 
during this incarceration that he 



wrote his fifteen-page pamphlet, 
MY WAY, which has since been the 
guiding doctrine of his movement, 

"My Way details what Scruggs 
plans to do and how he expects to 
do it," continues Dr. Jackson. "It's 
not very well-written, but then 
again, not too many of his followers 
know how to read. The political 
philosophy is a little up in the air. It 
tends to ramble in agitated circles 
about the evils of Northern indus- 
trialism. The chapter on telepathic 
thought control is bizarre, as is the 
section analyzing the music of 
Lynrd Skynrd. My thoughts are that 
Mr. Beaureguard is a paranoid 
schizophrenic, who suffered a psy- 
chotic break when his short-lived 
country-rock band was promised a 
recording contract by Brian Wilson 
(Beach Boys) and then burnt." 

Chapter seven of My Way is the 
most revelatory, however, and is 
the part that has some persons 
most alarmed. Military analyst 
Irwin Whirl of the Virginia Military 
Institute explains: 

"In chapter seven Scruggs 
gives a military outline of how he 



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expects to defeat the North, It is 
remarkable in its detail. Based on 
what he calls the Schaeffer Light 
Plan, Scruggs expects to blitzkrieg 
out of the foothills of Arkansas with 
his mobile pickup units, capturing 
Memphis and establishing head- 
quarters at Graceland, the holiest of 
redneck shrines. With Memphis 
under his belt, he will then control 
the upper Mississippi — very impor- 
tant in terms of supplying his army, 

"From Memphis he plans to 
launch a major offensive, what he 
calls Operation Barbecued Roast, a 
two-pronged attack with one army 
pushing northward, strangling 
Chicago, and another, much larger 
army, driving up the Shenandoah 
Valley, capturing Washington DC, 
before pushing onward to the ulti- 
mate goal of New York City. 

"The whole idea of an insurgent 
army of illiterate Huckleberries 
actually capturing and occupying 
major cities in the North is so ludi- 
crous that it might just work/' says 
Whirl. "Let's face it, the only people 
who care about southern secession 
are all the backwoods rubes that 
have gun racks in Lheir truck win- 
dows. Most northerners don't care. 
If a bomb dropped on New York 
City nobody would notice. Most 
would probably welcome it." 

Tony Totoni, a Bronx cab driver 
reflects the sentiment of most "Yeah, 
I heard about some crap going on in 
Arkansas. What do they want? 
Cheaper bass boats? If they take ovei; 
it wont make much difference to me. 
I still have to get up in the morning 
and drive my lousy cab. Maybe they 
can do something about the rats. 
Besides that I just don't care/ 1 

And therein lies the peril. 

"I assure you that Scruggs will 
do more than take care of the rats," 
says Dr, Jackson. "He has made it 
implicitly clear that he holds no 
special affection for anybody north 
of the Mason-Dixon line." 

When asked what he plans to 
do once he has unseated the gov- 
ernment, Scruggs never gives a 
concrete answer. Instead, he 
prefers to speak euphemistically 
about what he perceives as "too 
many damn Yankees." 

"The Yankee man and his 



woman have been the bane of the 
Southern way of life," says Scruggs. 
"They reproduce too dern fast, and 
they come down here and disturb 
everything like a bed of ants. When 
they bite, you gotta squish 'em, 
every last one. Yes, 1 sense a change, 
an end solution to a long standing 
problem. I cain't tell you what it is, 
but it's gonna be mighty stern," 

"See, I need living space, and I 
know a lot of my friends do too. 
There's space here and there's 
space there in the North. Now, 
what I plan to do is take care of my 
living space," 

"Don't be fooled by anything. 
He's doing it for the chicks," says 
Bobby B. Bradshaw, former bass 
player for Scruggs' band. "When 
you smell like a dead bird hatched 
up your ass, you got to have a gim- 



mick. It was that way with the 
band. We had one song called 
"Sweet Home Arkansas" which 
Scruggs would dedicate to some 
homely girl at the dives we would 
play. He would approach the girl 
and gyrate his hips while singing it. 
It was pathetic. But that's why I 
think he started this army thing, 
you know, for the chicks. 

Radical revolutionary or 
amorous lover? Who's to say? 

From a satchel, Scruggs 
Beaureguard pulls out several 
sticks of dynamite wrapped togeth- 
er with duct tape. "You see this? 
This is for the Court House at 
Appy-mattox! As God is my witness, 
we will blow that cursed building 
to the afterworld. I intend to finish 
what was started at Fort Sumter — 
finish it once and for all." 



...SEE YOU LATER,. 
HEY, DON'T FORGET 
TO CALL 9 1 1 WHEN 




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Trapped in a well, lost at sea, caught in an avalanche, swept awjiy by 
a tidal wavc.What a lousy fucking vacation! . . Ladies* Home Journal 65 
If only I hadn't been a kmp for one night! . The Magic Johnson Story 69 

Clearing out your colon ? . . . * "w. , . . > * \fygtifaf J9>1 

Flowers for a pansy r My son the homo New Woman Ml 

Fingered by a homicide detective: One man's story* Drama in real life 119 
Snowboarding Russians are ready to take this country . paranoid dad 124 

Book excerpt: How I sold oot my race. . . . . Bill Cosby 137 

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READER DIGEST* December 1994 



Chopin for Brett - A visit by 
a loving grandfather teaches 
a young mother that intelli- 
gence is not always measured by 
what you know. 

I was in labor for thirty-six hours. 
When I finally delivered, the 
doctor examined my baby 
briefly and then placed him in my 
arms, I clasped him tight against 
my bosom, beaming with pride, 
Brett, my Little Brett. I marveled at 
how something so delicate and 
beautiful could have come from my 
stomach. I shyly glanced at my hus- 
band, Mike, and he smiled back. At 
that moment all the thoughts that a 
young mother can have toward her 
child washed over me. I dreamed of 
all the varieties of futures that 
awaited Brett, Would he become a 
famous scientist, or a professional 
football player? Or maybe, dare I 
dream so boldly, the President of the 
United States? I wept. 

As time wore on, however, it 
soon became evident that Brett was 
not like the other children. His body 
never lost its baby fat, and his fea- 
tures took on the look of a bug-eyed 
oriental I also noticed that he didn't 
seem as smart as the other children. 
When I took him to the pediatrician, 
I was told the heart-breaking news 
that my Little Brett was a mon- 
goloid. "Why Little Brett?" I 
asked.Then I thought back to when I 
was younger, before I had met my 
sweet, virginal Mike and trapped 
him into marrying me. I had dated a 
hippie who used to pump me full of 
hallucinogens before ravishing me 
in the back of his van. Did that have 
anything to do with Brett's condi- 
tion? Was God visiting retribution 
for these past sins? 

One day, we received notice 
that Mike's father, Norm, was com- 
ing to visit. I was immediately filled 
with dread. My father-in-law and I 
did not get along well. He had never 
approved of Mike's marriage to me 
and had expressed himself quite 
vocally against our union. I told 
Mike that I was apprehensive, but I 
would make the best of it, even sug- 
gesting that it might be a good 
opportunity for me to get to know 
him better. 



As for Little Brett, he was 
extremely excited about meeting his 
grandfather. He was now fourteen- 
years-old and had never met 
him. The day that Norm was to 
arrive, Brett helped me straighten up 
the house, making it a clean and 
cozy place to welcome our antici- 
pated guest We sang songs while we 
swept and dusted, Brett with his lilt- 
ing, slurring style accenting my 
decidedly non-musical voice. After 
we finished, Little Brett sat down 
and made a card with finger-paint to 
give to his grandfather. 

When the doorbell rang that 
evening, I felt a momentary rush of 
panic, Mike had just left to buy 
some charcoal at the store and 
would not be back for half an hour. I 
was in the kitchen and could barely 
move, paralyzed with nervousness. 
Then I heard the pitter-patter of lit- 
tle feet running across the living 
room floor. I leaned back against the 
counter and listened to Little Brett 
fumble with the front door locks. 

"Grand-pa- 
pa!" 1 heard Brett 
exclaim as the 
door swung open, 
his voice rising in 
the fashion that 
always told me 
he was excited. I 
waited to hear 
Norm's voice, but 
there was no 
response.Was 
anybody at the 
door? The silence 
continued. I 
walked across the 
kitchen floor to 
go into the living 
room. Finally I 
heard my father- 
in-law's low, 
gruff growl. 

"What the 
hell are you????!" 

"Grand-pa- 
pa!" said Brett 
again, 

"Jesus Christ, 
I'm asking, what 
the hell are 
you???" 

I froze, stand- 
ing there in the 



middle of the kitchen floor, all my 
senses quivering.Then I took a deep 
breath and walked into the living 
room. 

"Norm! How wonderful to sec 
you!" 

Norm was standing there with 
his umbrella poking Little Brett in 
the chest. He looked up at me, con- 
fused. 

"Grand-pa-pa!" said Brett excit- 
edly once again. 

Finally, Norm spoke. "Dammit 
to hell, woman, what's the meaning 
of this monster? What zoo did he 
escape from? He liked to give me a 
goddamn heart attack!" 

"Norm, please meet Brett, your 
grandson," I said. Then, kneeling 
down to my son, "Brett, say hello to 
Granddad Norm." 

"Grand-pa-pa!" 

Norm, gripping his umbrella 
tighter, looked down in disgust. 

"My God! You mean to tell me 
that this subterranean circus freak is 
my grandchild?!" 



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CHOPIN FOR BRETT 



"Well, yes!' 1 1 said with as much 
indignancc as I could muster, hug- 
ging little Brett. 

"I refuse to believe it, Where's 
Mike?" 

"He's at the store, hell be back 
shortly/' 

"I'm going to watch television 
and wait for him to get back. Keep 
this abomination away from me 5 do 
you hear?" Norm swept by and 
ensconced himself in the big cush- 
ioned chair that sat in front of the 
television. 

"Grand- pa-pa t " said little Brett 
quietly. In his hand was the finger- 
painting. I hugged him close so he 
wouldn't see my tears. 

Norm's stay originally was only 
to last for a few days. But a few 
days soon stretched into a week, and 
then a week stretched into a month. 
It was very difficult, but there was 
not much I could do. I would look at 
Mike imploringly whenever his 
father's voice sounded from the 
cushioned chair, but all he would do 
was shrug. — 

As Norm's length of stay 
increased, I held out the hope that 
he would take a liking to Brett, but 
he never did. One time Norm did try 
to teach Brett how to play poker. I 
was in the kitchen making sand- 
wiches when suddenly I heard 
Norm yelling. 

"No, you little retard! You're 
not even throwing away the right 
cards. You've got nothing, do you 
understand me? You don't even 
have a pair!" 

I ran into the dining room 
where they were playing and was 
horrified to see Norm up in little 
Brett's face waving his finger men- 
acingly. Little Brett was in tears. 1 
rushed forward and grabbed him, 

"He doesn't understand the 
rules, Norm! Don't you ever talk to 
him like that again, You don't live 
here, this is not your house!" 

Norm didn't say a thing. Instead 
he stood up and threw his cards 
down on the table and marched into 
the living room to watch television. 

That night, lying in bed with 
Mike, I searched for words. 

"Darling, today your father was 
very abusive to Little Brett I don't 
know how much longer I can put up 



with iLWhen do you think he'll 

leave?" 

"You know I want him out of 
here just as much as you do. Hell, I 
haven't been able to sit down and 
watch television for a month. He'll 
be leaving soon, though. I promise." 

"Will you at least talk to him? 
It's not right, the things that he says 
to Brett. He's terrible." 

"Yes, dear." 

The next morning, Mike talked 
to his father and it had an immediate 
effect. Not that Norm went out of his 
way to be nice to Little Brett, but he 
did cease being mean to him, choos- 
ing rather to watch television all day, 
It wasn't an ideal situation, but at 
least there was peace in the house. 

Finally, at dinner time, a week 
after the poker incident, Norm came 
storming in from the living room, 
where he always took his dinners, 
not wanting to sit at the table with 
the family. Clutching a half-eaten 
Swanson's pre-cooked dinner, he 
stopped at the swinging door that led 
to the kitchen. We all looked at him. 

"I want everyone to know that 
tonight's my last night here. I'm 
leaving tomorrow." 

Mike and I didn't say any- 
thing There was a tense moment of 
silence. 

"Is there something wrong?" I 
asked hesitantly, 

"No. Does something look 
wrong?" 

"The way you came in here, 
and now you're announcing that 
you're leaving; I'm wondering if 
you're mad about something," 

There was a scowl on Norm's 
face.Then il eased. He began to look 
kindly on everybody. It was a radical 
change of emotions that took place 
before our eyes. Then he spoke. 

"I know I've been kind of diffi- 
cult, and I would like to thank 
you for putting up with 
me. Tonight, I want to help 
clean up with the dishes." 

"Oh, Norm, you 
don't have to do that," I 
said. 

"No, I insist It's the least I 
could do." 

"Well, okay, I guess since 
dinner's over* we could start 
now," 



I got up and grabbed dishes 
from the table. I looked at Mike and 
surreptitiously raised an eyebrow. 

In the kitchen I scrubbed while 
Norm rinsed. We didn't speak but 1 
could tell that he was pleased that 
he was able to contribute, though 1 
must admit that I could have done it 
faster by myself. 

Handing him the last plate, I 
watched his wizened features gri- 
mace in concentration as he directed 
the stream of water from the hose 
onto the plateThinking this might 
be the time to say something nice 
and perhaps get to know Norm bet- 
ter, I touched him on the arm. He 
jerked away as if shocked by elec- 
tricity, I was somewhat taken aback. 
Suddenly, from the living room, 
some piano notes echoed. 

"What's that?" asked Norm. 

"Oh, that's just Brett plinking 
on the piano." 

"You have a piano?" 

"Oh, yes. I'm surprised you 
didn't see it. It's just an old used 
one — not much, really. We bought it 
for Brett, though he doesn't play it 
much." 

Norm was not paying attention 
to me at this point, He hurriedly put 
down the plate he was rinsing, and 
ran off into the other room. I threw 
down my dish rag and followed, 
wondering what was going on. 

When I got there, Norm was 
already standing by the piano, look- 
ing down at Brett who was sitting on 
the bench. Norm looked up at me, 

"You know, my Martha used to 
tickle the ivories, When I would 
come home she would sit at her 
piano, very 
elegantly, 
and she'd 
play the 
most 



wonderful 
music you 
ever heard. 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL UMPQGN 



27 



READER DIGEST* December 1994 



She was a musical genius." Tears 
began to well in his eyes. Little Brett 
tilted his head up and when he saw 
his grandfather crying, brought his 
hand down and struck another key. 
Norm reached down and grabbed 
Brett's hand and stared at it. 

"He's got Martha's hands. I 
swear to God he does, Of course, 
his are much fatter, but there is a 
delicate resemblance that is unmis- 
takable. Oh, this is all too much/* 
Brett smiled, loving the attention. 
Norm, looking like he had just seen 
a ghost, left the room. 

That night, in bed, I told Mike 
what had happened. 

"Yeah, Mother would play the 
piano every once in while, T don't 
know if she was a musical genius, 
I'm not an expert on those things," 

"If she was a musical genius, do 
you think some of that could have 
been inherited? By Brett, I mean. 
Your father said that he has the 
same hands as your mother," 

"Gee, 1 don't know. Maybe, 
Listen, I've got a long day tomor- 
row and I really need to get some 
sleep." Mike roiled over, leaving me 
alone with my thoughts, I lay there 
staring at the ceiling, feeling good 
for the first time, Hope swelled in 
my heart and carried me off to the 
land of dreams. 

At three in the morning I woke 
up. I didn't know why. Looking 
beside me, I saw Mike was still 
asleep. Everything seemed as it 
always did. Then I heard the soft 
sounds of the piano waft in through 
the open bedroom door, i lay there 
listening, then I sat up. 1 shook 
Mike. 

"Mike, do you hear the piano?" 
I asked. 

Mike grunted, "You're imagin- 
ing things, hon. Get some sleep/' 

"No, Mike. Somebody's play- 
ing music in our living room." Mike 
pulled the covers over his head and 
rolled over on his side. I sat there 
for a few seconds straining to hear. I 
then got out of bed and walked 
quickly over to the closet for my 
house robe. 

Stealthily, 1 slipped down the 
hall, toward the living room. The 
music was getting louder. 



"Beethoven," I said to myself. "No, 
wait. Chopin, Definitely Chopin, 
Magical Chopin," As I stood at the 
door to the living room, I bit softly 
into my fist. The music was so 
beautiful! 

Once in the living room, I saw 
the most wondrous sight There at 
the piano was Little Brett. The moon 
filtered through the curtains filling 
the room with its soft glow. 

"Brett?" I asked softly. "Is that 
you?" Brett slowly turned around, 
but he didn't stop playing, He 
smiled at me like an angel. 

I approached closer. "My God, 
where did you learn to play like 
that?" 

"Grand-ma- ma," he said. 

I was so overwhelmed with 
emotion that I rushed forward and 
sat beside Little Brett on the bench. 
I wrapped myself around him, tak- 
ing him up in my arms much as I 
did when he was just a newborn 
baby. 

"It's a miracle," 1 said with 
tears falling profusely. "It's a mira- 
cle. You are a musical genius. I 
knew it. It's a miracle." 

"Mama," said Little Brett as he 
hugged me back. 

Then a frightened feeling stole 
over me. If I'm holding Little Brett 
in my arms, I thought, then how 
come I can still hear music? 

Suddenly, I sensed movement 
in the dark corner followed by a 
loud scratching noise, as a needle 
was brought harshly across a spin- 
ning record.The gentle piano music 
stopped, 

"Miracle, my ass!" 

It was Norm! 

He stepped out from the shad- 
ows, away from the turntable. He 
was laughing. 

"Grand-pa-pa!" squealed Little 
Brett. 

"Well, that was quite a show. 
Funniest thing I've seen in a long 
time. You really thought the boy 
was a musical genius, Well, I'm 
going to bed now. Too much enter- 
tainment like this is bad for the tick- 
er." This said, Norm shuffled out of 
the room and down the hall. I heard 
the door slam. I sat there holding 
Little Brett, afraid to move. 




I'm a prison guard who was 
recently transferred to Litchfield 
State, a maximum security pen 
located in a remote section of 
Maine's backwoods. After a month of 
this job related isolation, cabin fever 
set in and I started to get lonely. 

I decided to ask advice from 
Heinz, a fellow guard who has been 
there for quite some time.1 
approached him during roll call, 

"Hey , Heinz," I whispered. 
"What do you guys usually do for a 
little action out here?" I punctuated 
this question with a few pelvic 
thrusts to insure that he got the idea. 

Without saying a word, Heinz 
pointed across the cell block to 
Washington, the scrawny Negro 
custodian who was busy mopping 
around a toilet. No way, I thought to 
myself. 

However, later that week my 
hormonal urges took over and, con- 
sidering the non-existent alterna- 
tives, I followed Washington into 
the janitor's closet and cornered him 
by the sinks. Slamming the door 
shut, I "bitch slapped" him several 
times with the butt or my pistol, 
pinned his left arm behind his back 
with one hand, and ripped down his 
pants with the other, 1 was wailing 
away pretty heavily when the door 
suddenly opened, and a startled 
Heinz confronted me with a dazed 
look, 

"No, No!"he exclaimed."! 
meant we use Washington's car to 
drive into town!" 

-R.L Brooks, Litchfield Slate 

I I I I I 

I was enjoying lunch in the 
mess hall with James when he men- 



Z8 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



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HUMOR BEHIND BARS 



tioncd he was suffering from a bad 
headache, "When I have a bad 
headache," I sympathized, "I force 
my cell-mate to give me a blow job. 
It makes my headache disappear" 

"Really? What a great idea!" 
said James, suddenly brightening 
up. "Do you think he's home now? 51 

RJi Himtsvilk 

I I I I I 

Fred Thomas, my cell mate, had 
received a Time-Life Civil War 
Chess set through the mail which he 
was quite fond of. However, 
Jimirro, the toughest guard in the 
penitentiary, legendary for his ill 
temper, hated to see Thomas carry- 
ing on with the chess game. 

"Damn it, Thomas!"Jimirro 
hollered, "If I catch you playing 
chess one more time, I'm going to 
make you eat every damn one of 
those 36 chess pieces!" 

A week went by before Thomas 
forgot Jimirro *s warning and set up 
the chess board on his bed. 
Unfortunately it was just as Jimirro 
happened to be making his rounds, 
"Godammit Thomas!" he yelled, 
pulling him off the bed with one 
hand and sweeping up the wooden 
chess pieces wiih the other. He 
dragged him out of the cell and 
around the corner, out of view from 
the general population. 

After several minutes of scuf- 
fling punctuated by Thomas' pained 
squeals and Jimirro's angry grunts, 
Thomas staggered back into the cell, 
tattered and torn with tears stream- 
ing down his cheeks. 

"My god, Thomas!" I cried. 
"He didn't actually make you eat 
the chess pieces did he?" 

"No," frowned Thomas after a 
long uncomfortable pause, "Bui 
they are inside me/' 

D, Giliam, Corcoran. State 

I I I I I 

Here at Chino State, we fre- 
quently lift weights and sun our- 
selves in the courtyard in the after- 
noons. One activity that is a 
particular favorite is the bench 



press. Inmates hold contests to see 
who can pump the most iron, com- 
peting for cigarettes and "tricks" 
with their "ho's'Xho's are weaker 
inmates who become sex slaves and 
who arc bartered between the 
stronger inmates), 

So Big Dick Smith, the bench 
press champion, lays out one of his 
ho's (Darnell, or "Darneshia," as 
"she" is called), and challenges Will 
Washington* who also lays out one 
of his ho^s. So Smith pumps a good 
350 lbs without any problem, and 
Will's really sweating it out. 

So Will, who secretly had been 
taking steroids supplied to him by a 
crooked guard, gets on the bench 
and throws up 375, no problem. 

For the first time ever, Smith 
starts to sweat. He walks slowly up 
to the bench, lies down, and lifts the 
bar off the rack, So Big Dick Smith 
is straining under the pressure when, 
all of a sudden, Dick loses his bal- 
ance, causing one end of the bar to 
tip to one side. Consequently, all the 
weight falls off that end, which, 
moments later, causes the bar to 
swing erratically through the air, 
striking Darnell in the head. Darnell 
lets out a shriek and falls to the 
ground, his skull fractured. 

After the dust clears, Dick rises 
off the bench, surveys the dying 
Darnell on the ground, and says 
wryly to Will, "Hey, I guess you can 
claim your bitch now." 

To which Will dryly replies, 
"No thanks. You can keep him." 

Frank Nimco t Chino State 

I I I I I 

I had been setting up a prison 
break for some time when my cell- 
mate was moved out and another 
new prisoner was mysteriously 
moved in. He played it cool for a 
couple of weeks and then start ask- 
ing questions about if I ever planned 
on "breaking out" and shit like that. 
He even offered to help me make it; 
said he could smuggle in a gun 
through his girlfriend, who visited 
frequently. 

I had suspected from the begin- 
ning that he was a fink, planted 
there to uncover my secret scheme. 



My suspicions were bolstered when 
I noticed that he had a pack of 
KOOLs, Nobody in our cell block 
could afford KOOLs. He said his 
girlfriend (who [ had never seen) 
smuggled them in. 

So one night at about 2 a.m. 
when he questioned me once again 
about escaping, I grabbed a pillow, 
removed the case, and used the case 
to strangle him. 1 then removed his 
bedshects and made it look like he 
had hanged himself. 

Imagine my surprise the next 
day when his girlfriend showed up 
to visit him, with the gun he had 
promised, and there he was, dead. It 
turned out that he wasn't a narc 
after all. Boy, did I feel like a dick! 

8. Smith , Huntsvitle 

I I I I I 

One afternoon while a group of 
us Cholos were hazing a Caucasian 
inmate in the yard, we noticed that 
another Caucasian inmate, who was 
standing next to an African- 
American gentleman, was laughing. 
So we walk over to him all casual - 
like, and ask him what his problem 
is. Why is he laughing at one of his 
own having the shit kicked out of 
him? We said he should have more 
respect for his fellow Caucasians. 

We debated as to whether we 
should instead kick the shit out of 
the laughing one, While we were 
contemplating this, he called me a 
"pussy" and my amigos "co wards, 1 ' 
We raised fists to strike him, and he 
stood motionless, not even blinking 
an eye. We really respected that. 

So we allowed him oo join our 
gang and we kicked the shit out of 
the African-American gentleman 
standing next to him, 

A', Hardin, Indiana State 




Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



mm LAMPOON 29 



READER DIGEST' December 1994 



RHUBARB 
THE PUP 

The Nourishment 
of Love 

By Betty Johnson 

Katherine stared hopelessly at the 
hungry, motherless, newborn 
pup, Was it possible to fool Mother 
Nature? 



Thirty-one year old, lowhcadcd 
Katherine Taylor responded to 
the knock on the front door of 
her beautiful Connecticut home with 
a puzzled look. Nobody had given 
her advance warning of a visit and 
she was all alone. It had only been a 
week since she lost the 
baby and although 
Nelson, her compas- 
sionate husband and a 
highly respected psychia- 
trist, tried as hard as he 
could to be home with 
her every minute, he sim- 
ply had to check into 
work from time to time 
to keep the steady stream 
of income flowing, 

"Just a minute!" 
she told the mysterious 
visitor as she got up 
from the sofa, brushing 
a thick strand of golden 
blonde hair away from 
her eyes. 

A quick look 
through the peep-hole 
reassured her that the 
stranger was not some 
undesirable, street ne'er- 
do-well, but Jenny 
Wilkins, the fivc-ycar- 
old girl who lived next 
door. Normally, the sight 
of Jenny would have 
delighted Katherine, but 
she sensed from the sad- 
dened expression on 
Jenny's face that some- 
thing was wrong — terri- 
bly wrong. 

In her arms, Jenny 



was cradling something wrapped in 
a pink baby blanket, a painful asso- 
ciation that made Katherine wince, 

"It's little Rhubarb," said Jenny, 
naively whimpering through tears. 
The blanket was pulled back to 
reveal a newborn schnauscr puppy. 
"He's all alone and my mommy say 
if he doesn't get nursed from his 
mommy he'll die, and he just can't 
die, Missus Taylor..." 

"He won't die," answered 
Katherine, peering at the helpless pup, 

"But he has no mommy! He's 
too young, he needs to be nursed ! 

"I promise/' whispered 
Katherine. "1 will do anything I 
have to do to make sure he doesn't 
die." She scooped up the tuny little 
bundle into her arms. The brown 
pup squirmed and opened his little 
mouth in a futile search for nourish- 
ment, "Anything. Now don't you 
worry about a thing." 




"You ain't going to flush 
Rhubarb down the toilet, are you?" 

"The word is aren't Jenny, and 
no, of course not. 1 would never do 
that. Now run along," 

Katherine hurried the bundle 
inside and sat down at the kitchen 
table to give the pup a closer exami- 
nation. She carefully peeled away 
the blankets. 

"Don't be afraid," she whis- 
pered to the fragile creature. "I'm 
going to help/' 

One thing was for certain; the 
pup could neither feed nor defend 
itself. Another day without nourish- 
ment would mean certain death. 
Katherine glanced across the room 
at her breast pump. 

She knew exactly what she 
would do, but first she would call 
Nelson. After all, he was a certified 
doctor of psychiatry. If anyone 
would know if such a plan were fea- 
sible it would be him. 
Besides, thought 

Katherine, Nelson *$ 
warm, tender voice has 
an almost biologically 
soothing effect on my 
frequent jitters. Still 
holding little Rhubarb in 
her lap, she quickly 
dialed. 

"Why hello there, 
darling!" came Nelson's 
warm, sober greeting. 
"This is certainly an 
unexpected surprise!" 
He laughed as if caught 
off guard. 

Katherine told him 
all about Jenny and little 
Rhubarb and her plan to 
personally nurse the pup 
back to health as she ner- 
vously twirled a lock of 
her golden hair which, 
she was often told, 
resembled spun gold, 
"So, you see Nelson, I'm 
scared to death that little 
Rhubarb will die without 
milk from his natural 
mother..." 

"Mooseshit,"he said 
tenderly. "That poor little 
pup may have the deck 
slacked against him, but 
with a little love, and 



30 NATIONAL UMPOQN 



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RHUBARB THE PUP 



perhaps a little ingenuity, anything's 
possible." 

"So, should 1 try feeding him 
from the milk of my own bosom?" 

"Hmmm..,I don't see the harm 
in trying," he urged. "FA be home 
in a bit. I'm just going to stop for a 
few drinks with the fellows." He 
hung up before Katherine had time 
to respond. 

Was it possible? Could it work? 
Could Mother Nature be fooled? 
What were the alternatives? 

Katherine opened her bathrobe 
and unhooked her brassiere. She 
waved her breast over Rhubarb's 
hungry little mouth, but the pup just 
turned the other cheek and batted 
the dangling object away as if it 
were a beachball interrupting his 
sunbathing. 

Perhaps he just needs a little 
encouragement, thought Katherine, 
She tried to pry his jaws open with 
her spare hand but they 
just kept snapping shut 
like a change purse. Then 
she recalled what Nelson 
had sagely said about 
"ingenuity," This time, 
when she pried the pup's 
jaws open, she was quick 
to jam her plump nipple 
between his springy jaws 
before they had time to 
slam shut. 

At first the pup 
chomped down semi- 
hard, not fully grasping 
the concept and causing 
Katherine to wince in 
pain. Then his sponge- 
like tongue began to curi- 
ously dart around the cir- 
cumference of her fat, 
swollen nipple. Before 
too long the idea sunk in 
and the pup was eagerly 
slurping away as sweet, 
nourishing, milk droplets 
trickled clown his pre- 
cious doggy throat. 
Katherine proudly eased 
back in her chair and lov- 
ingly stroked Rhubarb's 
fuzzy, busy little head, 
enjoying the beauty of 
this life-affirming 

moment- She felt like a 
mother again. 



Nelson's tires screeched into the 
driveway. Oh, would he be proud! 
Nelson was always in especially 
high spirits after an afternoon of 
unwinding with the guys over a few 
drinks. 

"Hi Peaches!" Nelson belched. 
He went to the fridge and cracked 
open a beer. 

"Well, honey, I think it's work- 
ing," declared Katherine. "Well, 
not at first, but he's really lapping 
it up now." She pulled open the left 
side of her robe lo reveal the 
schnauser pup, suckling away on 
her bosom. 

"Huh?" Nelson took a sip and 
turned around. His eyes bugged and 
he did triple-take, immediately spit- 
ting out a mouthful of beer, Danny 
Thomas style. "Jesus Christ, 
whathefuckizzat!!!??" 

"It's little Rhubarb, the pup. I 
told you about him on the phone, 




remember? I asked you if I should 
nurse him back to health," 

"You mean you thought I was 
serious ?" 

"Bu, honey, this afternoon you 
told me,.,." 

"..and this afternoon I also told 
the colored doorman to go fuck 
himself! What's your point?" 
Katherine immediately exploded 
into tears. Nelson was right, she was 
hopeless. It was stupid for her to 
think she could fool Mother Nature. 
"My god, Katherine, you can't 
breast feed a fucking dog, you'll get 
rabies or something!" Suddenly, like 
a finely tuned polygraph sensing her 
distress, Nelson lost his frightening 
leer and put down the toasted 
mozzerella sandwich he had brought 
home from the bar, 

"Shh.. don't cry muffin," he 
soothed, stroking her zestful, corn- 
silk-like hair. "I understand now." He 
pulled the dog away 
from her breast and 
marched off upstairs, A 
toilet flush was heard 
and he returned. 

"See?" he said 
beaming," All gone!" 

Katherine buried 
her face in Nelson's 
robust, sensitive chest, 
"Why, Nelson.. .why; 
oh why must things 
always die?" 

"It was for the 
best dear, really." 

"Are you absolute- 
ly sure ?" 

"Hey,.., who's the 
most popular psychia- 
trist in eastern New 
England?" 

"You are dear." 
"Darn tootin."He 
stood up and took a 
long guzzle from his 
bottle. "And 200 para- 
noid schizophrenics 
can't be wrong, hah- 
hah!" He belched 
loudly and wiped beer 
foam from his mous- 
tache onto his sleeve, 

"Fm going out now, 
and when I get back I 
better not taste dog sali- 
va on your left jug!" 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 



READER DIGEST* December 1994 



LIFE IM THESE HERE 
UMTED STATES 



My husband and I have a 
freelance drywall business. 
One way we promote our 
business is to canvass neighbor- 
hoods in the city, putting fliers in 
mailboxes. 

One particular afternoon, wc 
became separated during our stuff- 
ing in a neighborhood with a partic- 
ularly circuitous set of winding 
streets. Wan ting to sec if he had been 
through a certain area, I opened up a 
mailbox and looked in* 

A passerby walking with her 
child asked mc what I was doing. I 
said, "Oh, Pm looking for my hus- 
band." 

The passerby said, "Oh, you 
must have a really small husband." 

To which I curtly replied, "No, 
you stupid bitch. I just wanted to see 
if he has been down this street 
putting fliers in the mailboxes.*' 

My friend, Phil, frequently leads 
prayers at our Christian con- 
gregation on Sundays.This Sunday, 
he was particularly ready to lead a 
prayer of thanks due to the fact that 
he had recently gotten a new job at 
AT&T after being unemployed for 
some time. 

Phil walked up to the pulpit, 
anxious to begin. "Let us pray,** he 
said, as he bowed his head. He 
began, "God, our Sovereign, as wc 
bow before your phone...*' 
Suddenly, he was silent, as a dull 
chuckle trickled through the audi- 
ence. 

Ever the composed speaker, 
Phil continued. "If it be Thy will, 
please smite with lightning the sorry 
mut her fuckers who are laughing at 
me while I try to finish this god- 
damn prayer." 

My friend, Vanessa, went to a 
bakery to have a cake made 
for her husband in the shape of the 
United States. Unfortunately, the 



man behind the counter was from 

Mexico and had difficulty under- 
standing the instructions. 

After several unsuccessful 
attempts, she spotted a phone book 
and turned to the front pages where 
they have a map of the country with 
ihe different area codes labeled. 
"Cake like this!" she said, pointing 
to the map. The Mexican smiled and 
nodded understand ingly. 

The next day, when Vanessa 
returned to pick up the cake, it was 
just as she had requested, with one 
exception; Written on each state in 
black frosting was an area code. 
"You lazy bcancr!" she yelled 
smashing the cake into his brown, 
ignorant face. "Can*t you people do 
anything right?" 

While my husband, Darnell, 
repaired his car in the back 
yard and I did laundry in the base- 
rnent, our two children, ages seven 
and five, were in the house dialing 
random phone numbers. 
Unbeknownst to us, the children 
called 911. 

Within minutes, two police offi- 
cers came running through the back 
yard, guns drawn."What\s the prob- 
lem?" they asked my son. 

Darnell looked up from his 
work, regarded the officers with a 
wry grin, and responded, "My 
clutch went out, You wanna hand 
me a wrench?" 

To which the police officers 
replied, "No, you black bastard. You 
wanna eat hot death?" At which 
time, they shot Darnell in the face 
four times, 

Nothing could seem to stop two 
members of our congregation 
from talking during the morning 
song service, so we decided to try a 
little experiment. We met a little 
before the service began and formu- 
lated a plan. 



As the congregation sang, "Just 
as I am without one plea, but that 
my Lord has died for me," the two 
elderly women began their incessant 
chatter once again. At that instant, 
two of us grabbed and held the 
women, while the rest of the 240 
members of the congregation brutal- 
ly sodomized them for eight hours. 

After that, they never talked in 
church again. 

Whenever my husband, Ben, 
does gardening work, he 
invites our six-year-old grandson, 
Jake, to help. 

One day, Jake's dad asked him, 
"What does Grandpa pay you for all 
that help you give him?" 

Hands on hips, Jake looked his 
dad in the eye and replied, 
"Grandpa touches my pee-pee." 

My daughter, Susan, uses a 
wheelchair. One rainy day, we 
returned home after a shopping trip. 
On the carpeted platform of the 
ramp to the backdoor, she hesitated, 
then turned her chair around, rub- 
bing the wheel on the ground sever- 
al times. 

I impatiently asked, "Are you 
going into the house or not?" 

"Mom," she responded quietly, 
"I'm wiping my feet" 

"Then 1 guess you can stay out- 
side, you fucking cripple," T said. 

While riding a cab to a play in 
New York I noticed the name 
Allah on the dashboard, I asked the 
driver if that was his name. 
Shocked, the driver responded, "No. 
That is the God I worship!" 

Still embarrassed, I left the play 
and hailed another cab, Right there 
on the dashboard, I noticed a crown 
on the dashboard. I asked the driver, 
"Is that a religious symbol?" 

"No " the driver curtly respond- 
ed, "1 use it to scratch my balls." 



32 NATIONAUAMPflON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



GRIZZLY ATTACK 



DRAMA IN REAL-LIFE 

Grizzly Attack! 

The early morning sunlight 
shined hesitantly through the 
flap of the small tent, diffusing 
through the netting and wakening 
Jimina Sweetleaf, The young lesbian 
yawned, then swept aside the goose- 
down blanket. Immediately, the cold 
air descended upon her exposed 
body and she shivered, bringing her 
quickly to her senses. She looked 
beside her. She was alone. 

Emerging from the tent like a 
nascent butterfly, Jimina tautly 
stretched her lithe body, thrusting 
firm breasts outward, barely con- 
tained by the delicate lace filigree of 
her skimpy lingerie. 

"Rise and shine, lazy." 

It was Guyana-Anna, her tent- 
mate, sprawled by the campfire in an 
elegant satin slip. She was stirring 
the coals of the fire, warming some 
leftover quiche. Jimina didn't say 
anything. Instead, she looked around, 
quickly viewing the rest of the tents 
which circled around the 
campfire like pastel covered 
wagons, vivid against the 
spring forest. It appeared 
that nobody else was up. 

Jimina put her hands on 
her hips and shrugged. She 
went back inside the tent and 
found her silk hose and high 
heels. Lying down, she 
meticulously unfurled the 
silk hose up her long, perfect 
legs. Then, putting on her 
heels, she grabbed her back- 
pack and a plastic canteen 
filled with nectarine juice 
and egressed once again to 
the cool outside- 

"I'm leaving, I'll be 
back by lunch," she said to 
Guyana-Anna 

"Oh really? Where are 
you going?" 

Jimina started to 
answer, then changed her 
mind about what she wanted 
to say. She briefly paused, 
her face radiantly angelic. 
Then, a storm cloud 
descended across her fragile 
features* 



"None of your goddamn busi- 
ness," blurted Jimina suddenly. 

Guyana- Anna was taken aback. 
"Jimina! I've never heard you talk 
like that before" 

"Well, you better get use to it, 
slut." 

"Oh, I see. You're still mad 
about that," said Guy ana- Anna, 

"About what?" 

"About me having a little fling 
with... a man" 

"Damn straight," said Jimina 
petulantly, 

"Please, Jimina. I don't want us 
to be angry. After all, it was only a 
man. Can't we just forget about it 
and get on with our lives." 

Jimina smiled brightly at 
Guyana-Anna's words of concern. 
"You're right. We' re being silly. Let's 
not let it spoil our trip/' 

"That-a-girl!" Guyana- Anna 
blew a kiss, and Jimina brought her 
hand up to her ruddy check, rubbing 
in the imaginary peck. It was impos- 
sible to stay angry at Guyana-Anna. 
She was too full of Ufa Too.. .too damn 
lovable! 



Please cooperate , mr.wright, 

AUTOPSY IS HARD ENOUGH 

as n is I 




Jimina then began walking 
down the path. 

"Watch out for grizzlies!" called 
out Guy ana- Anna. 

"You watch out for grizzlies, 
yourself!" she replied, jokingly. 

Jimina was an experienced hiker 
and had spent countless days in the 
mountains of Wyoming hiking the 
Grand Tetons.The valleys and 
foothills were as familiar to her feet 
as the steep hills of her beloved San 
Fransico.The day before, when she 
and the girls had been walking along 
a ridge, she had spotted a valley that 
she knew would be an excellent 
place to explore. She made no men- 
tion of it to the others but, instead, 
made a mental note of its location 
with the notion of returning. My val- 
ley, thought Jimina, My secret valley. 
Walking along the path, the 
twigs and leaves cracked under her 
high heels, {Grizzlies! Why had 
Guyana-Anna said that?} The 
thought of being horribly mauled by 
one sent shivers down her spine; the 
claws ripping across her bare mid- 
section, disemboweling her; ihe leeth 
clamping down on her neck, 
— y blood spurting from delicate 
vessels driving the bear into 
further madness. These were 
the things that made hiking 
such a risk. However, as she 
approached the path that led 
to the secret valley, Jimina 
relinquished the idea that 
anything as brutal as a griz- 
zly bear would interfere with 
her walkabout. 

When the path took her 
to the top of a knoll that rose 
higher than the rest of the 
ridge, her breath locked in 
her throat. From her hillock 
dais, the valley stretched 
before her. It was covered by 
a colorful carpel of wildflow- 
ers, a living basket of varied 
hues shaped by the hands of 
Mother Nature. Jimina 
skipped down from the ridge 
into the fluorescent eclat of 
her secret valley. 

When she reached the 
middle of the valley, she bent, 
over and picked a Brown- 
eyed Susan and brought it 
primly to her nose. Then she 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 33 



READER DIGEST* December 1994 



began threading the fragile flower 
into the lace of her underpants. 
While doing this, she thought of a 
rhyme: 

Oh, my pretty brown-eyed boy, 
please don 't look my way. 

You know I cannot love you, 
beca use, you see, Vm. ...... 

Suddenly, Jimina stopped. Her 
nostrils began to flare. She sensed 
something was watching her, some- 
thing evil. She looked toward the 
ridge, to the top of the knoll at the 
point where she had first entered the 
valley. 

Her mind screamed. Oh, my 
God! There, standing on its hind 
legs, reaching a height of twelve- 
feet, was a giant grizzly bear. It was 
looking down at her, Jimina dropped 
the flower, terrified. She looked 
around. The nearest tree was over 
five-hundred yards away, and eight- 
hundred yards away from the bean 
Would she be able to reach it before 
the bear caught her? She had no 
choice. Jimina began running and 
immediately the bear dropped to all 
fours and bounded down the lip of 
the ridge and into the valley. 

Jimina was a good athlete and 
could run fast, even in heels. It did- 
n't matter, however. The grizzly was 
chasing after her at forty miles per 
hour. With the high growth of wild- 
flowers whipping at her legs, ripping 
her hosiery, she looked over her 
shoulder. The bear was gaining fast 
and she knew she would never make it. 

Jimina thought quickly. She had 
heard that bears are finicky eaters 
and would not eat anything that they 
had not killed themselves. If she 
played dead, then perhaps the great 
grizzly would go on its way. She 
plunged to the ground, landing in a 
bed of poppies and remained 
motionless* 

Twenty-five yards away the 
feral beast stopped and studied 
Jimina's curvaceous body, Jimina 
dug her fingers into the soft, fertile 
earth. Closer, closer, the great carni- 
vore approached till finally Jimina 
could hear and smell the creature's 
foul breath on the back of her neck. 
The bear was sniffing her and Jimina 
stifled a scream. She wondered if the 
bear could hear her heart pounding. 
Suddenly, the bear licked Jimina at 



the base of her skull. This was more 
than she could take. She leaped to 
her feet and began to run.The griz- 
zly, much surprised by the sudden 
vitality of its prey, reared back and 
let loose a gargantuan roan Then, 
with a mighty swipe of its tree-trunk 
arm, the bear swatted poor Jimina 
back onto her stomach. 

Again, the bear crouched over 
Jimina and began licking the base of 
her skull, Jimina didn't know what to 
do. The giant monster obviously knew 
that she was still alive, so why wasn't 
it tearing into her like the vicious 
meat-eater that it was? It was then that 
Jimina felt it — the sheathed bear-root, 
hard like a marble pillar, pressing up 
against her defiant buttocks 

Jimina bit her lower lip. She 
loathed the creature that crouched 
lustily over her, yet.. .yet she couldn't 
deny that there was something sensu- 
ous there. Then, much to her dismay, 
her body began responding to the gen- 
tle caresses of the grizzly, betraying 
the entreaties that her mind issued 
against such wanton acts. Reaching up 
behind her, Jimina's hand glided along 
the slabs of muscle 
that hung from her 
illicit lover's ribs, 
boldly inching down- 
ward, reveling in the 
thick, coarse fur. 
When her hand 
reached the steel 
shaft that hung from 
the loins of the carni- 
vore, the grizzly let 
out a gasp of tortured 
need. Swiftly, the 
bear flipped Jimina 
over on her back. 

With measured 
teasing, the bear gen- 
tly spread Jimina's 
thighs and gazed 
down at her rampant 
beauty. Instinctively, 
Jimina's legs came 
up to clasp the sides 
of the great hunter, 
and her arms 
wrapped around its 
powerful back, her 
fingernails raking 
across the muscled 
shoulders, drawing 
thin rivulets of 



blood. The pain, mingled with antici- 
pated pleasure caused the bear to 
pause, A wry smile arrogantly 
formed across its ursine snout. 
Suddenly, magnificently, the bear 
surged forward initiating the primor- 
dial act, engaging in the rhythmic 
coupling that was as old as time itself. 
Never had Jimina felt more alive! 

Suddenly, like a wildcat, Jimina 
clawed at the grizzly. The bear 
smiled, amused by Jimina's temerity. 
With a subtle shift, Jimina initiated a 
change of positions. Now, she was 
on Lop of the great hunter, asserting 
herself, no longer the timid lover 
and "receiver" that Guyana-Anna 
had known. Her cherished Act Up 
button flew off her lacy top during 
their tumultuous mating while the 
secret valley echoed with their pas- 
sionate cries. Acquainted now with 
the pleasures of heterobestial con- 
gress, Jimina immediately realized 
she could never go back to Guyana- 
Anna. Never could she dare leave 
this bold hunter. She cried, and sud- 
denly, the noble beast swung its red 

cant, p 178 



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© 1994 CRC/GG 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 37 




Undercover Reporter Gene Grey 



WHO 



>^V# 



ir\ 



Sex in America: A Definitive Survey, is the title of a recent study conducted by 
academicians at the University of Chicago National Opinion Research Center. If you 
were not among the 3,432 respondents to the 210 page questionnaire, don't feel 
bad; neither were we. We thought of conducting our own survey of America's sexu- 
al appetites, mores, taboos, and downright perversions but, truth being stranger than 
fiction, we decided to publish some of those results from the original that you won't 
find printed in Time, Newsweek, or even Cosmopolitan. 

WHY 

The first attempt to understand human sexuality was made over 2,000 years ago 
when the ancient Greek philosopher, Aristotle, probed deep into the sexual habits of 
his fellow Athenians. Extant fragments of his findings reveal that he emerged from 
those dank depths with a mixture of fact and myth, a picture of Greek sexuality that 
has yet to be lived down, and the first documented case of Herpes simplex in the 
then-known Western world. 

The next involved study of human sexuality was not attempted until the 1900's 
when Sigmund Freud, the Father of Psychology and discoverer of the female vagina, 
puzzled over the attraction of the "greater female hemispheres 1 ' and catalogued sexual 
symbolism in his now famous, if cryptically titled work, Die Locomotif durch zer 
Tunnel gegen. 

What Freud could not have known was that his studies, largely based on anecdo- 
tal information gleaned from aged and infirm residents of a nearby Jewish retirement 
home, would plunge European culture into a sexual ice-age from which it would not 
thaw until the airing of television's Soul Train in the 1960's. Among the misunder- 




38 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc 






RICA? 




rft 









^r* 



©1994CRC/GG 



standings and half-truths perpetuated by students of Freudian sexual theory are the 
beliefs that female sexual pleasure is limited to vaginal stimulation; that women 
secretly covet the male penis; and that the inefficacy of the familiar pick-up line, "Do 
you come here often?" is due entirely to its ambiguity* 

Perhaps the most scientific, and certainly the most controversial, endeavor of its 
kind prior to Sex in America is the 1966 Masters and Johnson study of the human 
body's sexual responses. Its frankness alone stunned an American public that was 
struggling to come to grips with such "public moral outrages" as Jeannie's exposed 
belly button, and June's disturbing and frequent laments that Ward had been "a little 
hard on the Beaver last night," 

Nevertheless, Masters and Johnson had the courage to describe the mystery and 
magic of sexuality in the objective language of the laboratory. As a result, even the 
sexually repressed layperson can now communicate without embarrassment what 
could previously only be alluded to metaphorically* For example, what women once 
timidly referred to as a "clam" is now commonly known as the "volvo"; and the 
ridiculous sounding "diddle-button" has given way to "chrysalis." Even obscure 
phrases such as "I've done a bit of browsing through Balzac, doctor" may now be 
stated by males with confidence and clarity: *Tve a rash on my scrotum," 

Despite such noble efforts as those just described, it is generally agreed that little 
real progress has been made in Man's understanding of his most intimate and basic 
activity since he first scratched his likes and dislikes on the wall of a cave in France, 
some L5 million years ago. Sex in America, the first truly scientific study of its 
kind, is an attempt to plug the gaping holes in this important body of knowledge. For 
those of us who wish to comprehend the complex biological and psychological 
processes that ensure the survival of the species, as well as for those of us who sim- 
ply want to plug some holes, Sex in America: A Definitive Survey is an idea whose 
time has surely come. 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 39 



SEX IN 

AMERICA 

SURVEY 

Here are some of 
the highlights from 
the University of 
Chicago sex survey 
of 3,432 
Americans: 

MARRIAGE 

LIKE ATTRACTS LIKE: 

Many key traits are 
shared by married 
couples... 

Same race: 93% 

Within 5 years in 
age: 78% 

Similar education: 

82% 

Same religion: 72% 

Same reproductive 
organs: 43% 

INFIDELITY: 

Wives who have 
ever had an 
affair: 15% 

Husbands: 24.5% 

Wives who lied 
when answering in 
this category: 85% 

Husbands 75.5% 

Girlfriends who 
have had an affair: 

15% 

Boyfriends: 24.5% 

Girlfriends who lied 
when answering in 
this category: 

125% 

Boyfriends: 300% 



j 




WHAT THEY FOUND 



FAMILY VALUES STAND FIRM 

Researchers report that, 
despite fears of the erosion of fami- 
ly values, some adult Americans are 
now, or have been, married — 
many for the fourth and even fifth 
time. Sex occurs most frequently 
among married couples, who 
engage in intercourse an average of 
6-7 times per month. Husbands 
have sex between 23 and 24 times 
per month, whereas their wives are 
so inclined only 19 times during 
the same period. In contrast, 
unmarried adults average only two 
such encounters per month, while 
many report no luck whatsoever 
over that span, 

80% of married adults believe 
that parents should educate their 
children about sex, Among urban 
dwellers, the zoo is by far the most 
common educational resource, 
with the monkey house being the 
favored exhibit. Nature serves the 
purpose for rural families, where 
the absence of cages allows for 
"hands-on demonstrations. " For 
those who question the hygiene of 
animals in the wild, yel believe that 
practice makes perfect, a crazy 
aunt or uncle, or a freeloading, 
senile grandparent living in the 
guest room is utilized. Only 35% of 
those in favor of parents educating 
their children about sex rely on 
young, runaway hitch-hikers held 



captive in a cinder block passage- 
way concealed behind the back wall 
of the garage, up, however, from 
15% just five years ago. 



HOMOSEXUALITY TAKES A 
PLUNGE 

One interesting result of the 
study is the revelation that the size 
of the homosexual population in 
America is significantly smaller 
than has been reported recently. 
According to the Chicago 
researchers, Lhe average homosex- 
ual is only 7 inches in height, and 
weighs in at a mere 12 ounces. This 
extremely small stature may 
explain their remaining largely 
unaccounted for by religious con- 
servatives who doubt estimates that 
homosexuals comprise around 10% 
of the total LLS, population, 

The research also yielded an 
invaluable insight concerning the 
spread of sexually transmitted AIDvS 
cases among heterosexuals: Most 
persons are safe so long as they 
avoid sexual relations with AIDS 
infected homosexuals. 



THUMBS UP FOR MASTURBATION 

70% of women masturbate 
compared to only 2% of men. Half of 
the women who masturbate believe 
that the practice is either harmless 
or healthy. Among all males, 97% 
believe that masturbation seems to 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




be harmless or healthy, hut they 
abstain from it anyway. 60% of mas- 
turbating women fantasize about a 
man other than their mate, while 
20% fantasize about other women, 
and 10% fantasize about multiple 
partners of either or both sexes. Of 
the men who do not masturbate, 
40% do not fantasize about their 
favorite adult movie star; 25% do 
not fantasize about Christie 
Brink ley; 15% do not fantasize about 
Sharon Stone; 10% do not fantasize 
about "Vicki," a creature of their 
imagination loosely based on the 
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders; 7% do 
not fantasize about their mate (fig- 
ures are significantly lower for mar- 
ried males who do not masturbate); 
and 3% of males who do not mastur- 
bate, do not fantasize about that 
time they saw their mother with the 
mailman, for which they are 
presently in analysis. 



TURN-ONS / TURN-OFFS 

The turn-ons most commonly 
reported are vaginal intercourse 
and oral sex. Also cited are 
voyeurism, pornography, and rock 
£ n' roll music. 

87% of single people are 
turned on by the sight of their 
lovers naked body, and prefer hav- 
ing sex with the lights on. 60% of 
married people say that they are 
turned on by the sight of their 
lover's naked body, and that they 
prefer having sex with the lights 



off. Of people married more than 
ten years, 90% say that they are 
still turned on by the sight of their 
mate's naked body, and that they 
prefer having sex with the lights 
off, and drunk. 100% of fat, ugly 
people say that one's inner beauty 
is what; really matters, and that 
they prefer having sex with the 
lights off, drunk, and thinking 
about some thin, attractive person. 

African-American males report 
being most attracted to the female 
buttocks. African-American females 
find the male penis and buttocks 
equally attractive. White males are 
most attracted to the female 
breasts, while white females are 
most attracted to the male wallet, 
with "Mercedes" coming in a close 
second. 

Body hair is almost universally 
abhored, except when it occurs on 
the male chest. Of particular con- 
cern to women are the hairy palms 
of their male partners who do not 
masturbate. 



FLORA AND FAUNA: WANNA? 

According to the researchers in 
Chicago, Americans are not as 
finicky about their sexual partner's 
family tree as was previously 
believed. Survey results indicate 
that over one half of all adults in the 
U.S. fantasize about inter-species 
sex, with a surprising one third 
actually engaging in such activity. 

Typically, interspecies sexual 



ORGASM: 

75% of men but 
just 29% of women 
always have an 
orgasm during sex. 
4% of women and 
1 % of men never 
have an orgasm. 

80% of women and 
73% of men vocal- 
ize their pleasure 
during orgasm. 

Loudest vocalizer of 
pleasure during 
orgasm: 1 1 6 db 

Susie Wilkerson 

1317 W Holland 
Ave., Richmond, VA 
15915 

PRACTICES 

ROTICA: 

n% of erotica 
purchased by men 
29% by women 

Lopsided figures 
due to males' 
repeat purchases of 
materials whose 
pages become 
stuck together. 

PREFERRED 
POSITION FOR 
INTERCOURSE: 

Missionary: 49% 

Doggy: 21% 

Jackknife: 15% 

Cannonball: 5% 

Hangman: 3% 
(one time only) 

Other: 7% 







Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 41 



TURN-ONS 

The sexual prac- 
tices that appeal 
most to Americans: 

1 vaginal 
intercourse 

2 watching mate 
undress 

3 receiving oral sex 

4 giving oral sex 

All other practices, 
such as group sex 
or sex with a 
stranger, appeal to 
only a small minor- 
ity of Americans 
with the exception 
of group sex with 
small, strange 
minorities, which 
appeals to a major- 
ity of Americans. 




TURN-OFFS 

The sexual prac- 
tices that appeal 
least to Americans: 

1 watching mate 
undress 

3 watching oneself 
undress 

2 giving oral sex 
with no reward 

Other practices, 
such as oral sex 
with small strange 
minority groups, 
only appeal to the 
small minorities in 
the group, the 
majority of the 
time. 






42 NATIONAL LAMPOON 







relations take place on, but are not 
restricted to, the American farm 
(75% of all encounters). The usual 
collection of barnyard animals, 
including fowl, were cited by 
respondents as objects of their 
amorous attention. Canine breeds 
make up just 10% of the total 
number of animal types Americans 
are wont to enjoy (a surprise, 
there). The rise in popularity of 
exotic pets , most commonly pur* 
chased by urban or suburban resi- 
dents, accounts for many of the 
stranger entries here, including 
pythons, pot-bellied pigs {a big 
favorite), the endangered kangaroo 
rat (sometimes utilized along with 
a python for an unusual menage a 
trois) and tropical fish; although 
activities with the latter are most 
often restricted to feeding time. 

When questions were more 
specific, a profile of the ideal ani- 
mal mate emerged; It is female, tan 
or roan, with big brown eyes. Its 
median weight is eighty-four lbs, 
and it averages between three and 
five years of age. 

When asked about their sexual 
relations with plants, the survey 
group responded with a resounding 
"Yes! 11 A variety of vegetation is par- 
ticularly popular among those who 
abstain from meat, and generally so 
among those who identify them- 
selves as health conscious. 



Among heterosexual males, 
melons are the overwhelming 
favorite, while cukes and other 
assorted squashes and gourds are 
widely employed by homosexual 
mates. Corresponding to a large 
degree with the produce preferred 
by homosexual men are the vegeta- 
bles, along with roots and tubers, 
cited by heterosexual females as 
being the most satisfying. The most 
interesting results of this section 
were turned in by homosexual 
women, who showed no clear pref- 
erence for a particular type of plant 
but, rather, a propensity to enjoy 
all sorts of vegetation with few 
restrictions. Of most interest to 
researchers, who are still some- 
what puzzled by its favor among 
lesbians, is the homely pineapple. 

The research indicates that 
Americans, m fact, exploit for their 
sexual pleasure over one fifth of the 
Earth's total animal species, 
including the marsupials, amphib- 
ians and insects: and over one sev- 
enth of its total plant species, 
including the borderline case 
mushrooms and morels. Dr. 
Richard Wanstaff, the research 
team's diet and health expert from 
Northwestern University, happily 
notes that all four food groups are 
represented in nearly perfect RDA 
proportions, with the notable 
exception of the legumes, which 
are generally too small for any seri- 
ous sexual uses by adults. 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




AMERICAN INGENUITY 

Male respondents to the Sex in 
America survey compiled a list of no 
less than 350 different examples of 
inorganic copulatory resources. 
Topping the list is an old standby: 
the catcher's mitl thumb, which, 
researchers speculate, might explain 
the American male's nostalgic fond- 
ness for games of catch in the back- 
yard between father and son, as well 
as the relatively large number of lit- 
tle leaguers eager to play behind the 
plate. Also included are knotholes 
(soft pine preferred), potholes, and 
gopher holes, with those being 
occupied just nosing out the aban- 
doned; hoses. PVC\ and exhaust 
pipes; assorted ducts, drains and 
ditches; cup handles, glasses, and 
goblets; old, rolled-up newspapers, 
and even barbell plates, although 
experiences with them were 
described as "forgettable" or "cata- 
strophic." 

Female respondents were even 
more prolific and imaginative in 
their use of inorganic copulatory 
objects, citing no less than 3,700 
items, among them the expected 
assortment of dildoes and vibrators. 
Some of the more intriguing entries 
are telephones, and candy bars (1. 
Snickers, 2. Payday, 3. Baby Ruth); 
fungo bats, hoe handles, and pool 
cues; hoi dogs, kielbasa, and liver- 
wursl; doorknobs; fire extinguish- 
ers, and more kinds of power tools 
than one can shake a stick at. 
Rounding out the list was "sticks." 



WHAT DOES IT MEAN? 

Despite the effort that went 
into this survey to in order to 
assure that the results might truly 
represent the sexual habits of a 
cross-section of America, 
researchers were cautious in their 
final assessment. Said research 
learn member, Dr. Francine 
Schmenge, ''Every assurance of 
confidentiality will simply not suf- 
fice to bring out the honest truth 
from people when it comes to their 
sexuality." Dr. Schmenge suspects 
the results of the survey are some- 
what on the conservative side. 
Many areas of sexual activity were 
not even touched upon by the 
researchers for lack of funding. For 
example, Professor Stewart Wu- 
Hoang, of the University of 
California, Berkeley, is currently 
conducting research on the uses of 
computing technologies for sexual 
gratification — Are today's nerds, 
tomorrow's cyber-studs? Mean- 
while, the husband and wife team 
of Drs. Gyorgi and Lillian 
Wilwerding, researchers at the 
Lawrence Livermore Laboratory, 
are studying the sudden, unex- 
plained orgasms reported by their 
fellow scientists whose work brings 
them in proximity to the particle 
accelerator at the lab — Ts the 
nature of the universe ultimately 
sexual? 'That would explain why 
everything is so very fucked up," 
speculates Dr. Lillian Wilwerding. 






SEXUAL DIFFICULTIES 

(% experiencing 
problems in past year) 

Unable to have 
orgasm 

Men: 8.3 
Women: 24.1 

Republicans in 
office: 33.7 
Democrats : .04 

Pain during sex 

Men: 3, 
Women: 14.4 
Masochists: 65 

Sex not pleasurable 

Men: 8.1, Women: 21 
Masochists: 35 

Unable to keep 
erection 

Men: 10.4 

Women: 4.8 

John W. Bobbin: 1/2 

SEXUALLY 

TRANSMITTED 

DISEASES 

16.9% have ever 
had an STD. 

100% would be 
honest with mate if 
infected with an STD 

16.9% contracted 
STD from mate 

VENEREAL PARASITES 

Most commonly 
acquired venereal 
parasites: 

1 . Chlamydia 

2. Crabs 

3. Barnacles 

4. Leeches 

5. Gerbils 

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The Saturn V launch 
vehicle stood on its pad 
at the Kennedy Space 
Center, It sparkled 
boldly against the 
Florida sky: a giant phallus point- 
ing toward the heavens, poised to 
impregnate the heavens. Or at 
least so I thought. Why? Because 
sitting at the top of the rocket, 
decked out in astronaut garb like 
some futursitic space sperm 
primed to fuse with the eggs of the 
unknown, was me, Nick Skorpio - 
the greatest operative to ever don a 
trench coat. 

But I was not alone. Strapped 
in the tilted seat heside me was 
Igor, Like myself, he was a spy, and 
one of Russia's best. 

Staring out the window at the 
clouds that swept overhead, I lis- 
tened to the monotone countdown 
coming over the radio from 
Houston. It was an emotional 
moment and I felt a fierce sense of 
American pride swell up inside, 1 
turned to Igor. 

"! guess in Russia, a firecracker 
like this is only a dream,*' T said 
amiably, 

Igor shrugged. "1 lo, ho, my dear 
friend. In Russia we, too, have large 
ships, very similar to this one, In 
fact, our rockets may be a bit bigger/' 

Whit? I fell the hile congeal 
inside my gall bladder, frozen by 
Igor's arrogant words, Hmv could 
lie say such a thing? 

"Stop lying, you Vodka swilling 
son of a bitch." 1 quipped, "The 
only country that could pull some 
thing like this off is America, and 
don't you forget it." 

"No, Mr. Skorpio. please don' I 
get upset, but you are quite wrong. 
You are obviously not aware of our 
Buhuski Shmnu. It has been 
involved in many successful mis- 
sions. We are very proud of it" 



"The rea- 
son I'm not 
aware of it is 
because 
you're making 
it up. J don't 
know what 
Chernobyl did 
to your brain, 
pal, but you 
have just pissed me off!" With cat- 
like quickness, I grabbed my support 
suitcase filled with emergency oxy- 
gen bottles and deftly swung it full 
circle about my body, bringing it 
down hard on Igor's head, denting 
his helmet. This effectively put an 
end to his inflammatory rhetoric and 
I felt a lot better. Suddenly, as if it, 
too, were indignant at Igor's pre- 
sumptuousness, the rocket began to 
shake. 

"I guess we're taking off now," I 
coolly noted as the Saturn V trem- 
bled on its shaky column of fire and 
smoke. I waited for a response, but 
there was none, 1 shifted my head 
to the side and saw that Igor was 
passed out, presumably frightened 
to the point of unconsciousness by 
the heaving rocket. Too had, I 
thought, the lift-off is always the 
most exciting part. 

1 suppose now I should explain 
the series of events that led me to 
being strapped at the top 
of this giant bottle rocket. 
It all began in Las Cruces, 
New Mexico, That's where 
astronomers manning the 
iM. Q. Fuller Radioscope 
first picked up the faint X- 
ray signals emitted from 
Alpha Dark, a small star 
system located not too far 
from Alpha Light. What 
made these X-Rays differ- 
ent from the countless 
other radiation sources 
scattered in the heavens is 
that they pulsed in a bina- 
ry code, a two- symbol Ian 
guage that, when deci- 
phered, cryptically read. 
"What you talking about, 
Willis?" This excited 
American eggheads 

tremendously. Al the 
same time. Russian scien- 
tists at the Balkinour 



Cosmodrome were picking up the 
same signals. They. Loo. detected a 
binary code from the source, saying 
roughly the same thing, except in 
Russian. This arcane message puz- 
zled the scientists of both nations. 
What could it possibly mean? 
Then, a scientist, an American, I 
might add. suggested that it could 
only have come from an advanced 
alien civilization, Willis being an 
obvious extra-terrestial reference 
to the Earth. Soon, or at least as 
fast as you can say glasnost before 
grimacing in rage at the thought of 
Russian treachery, the scientists 
insisted on forming a joint Russo- 
American mission to investigate 
this strange and wondrous commu- 
nique, and, if possible, establish 
diplomatic ties with whatever alien 
power was sending them. 

Now, people can say that the 
Cold War is over, but dont tell that 
to The Agency, As tireless keepers 
of the nation's security, The Agency 
saw the demise of communism in 
the Soviet Union as nothing more 
than another socialist plot to lull 
America into letting down its 
guard. That's why when a search 
was conducted for a suitable astro- 
naut to represent the U.S., 'The 
Agency" howled to get the one man 
they knew could best secure 



m EJAriDUAUAMMOH 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




\merican interests. Of course, that 
man was me, Nick Skorpio, 
Double-Oh! Likewise, the 
Russians, no laggards themselves 
at protecting their interests, select- 
ed Igor as their main man. 
Interestingly, the ambitious project 
was code named Star Buddies - a 
name almost comical in its naivete. 
The paranoia that one nation 
would get the drop on the other in 
terms of advanced and devastating 
alien weaponry precluded that Igor 
and I would be anything but star 
buddies. We both had jobs to do. 
it would not be a joy ride. 

The scientists had said that it 
would take thirteen years give or 
take a few months before we would 
arrive at the source of the X-ray 
beacon. This had me a tad con- 
cerned. See, as a top agent with 
"Double-Oh" status, I had been 
trained to be psychologically 
tougher than your average chump 
on the street, a mental bastard, so 
to speak. Still , thirteen years was a 
long time, and a lingering douht 
entered my brilliant mind. Would I 
be able to go the distance without 
cracking up? I felt that I could., but 
only time would tell 

After we lifted off and were 
under way, Igor and 1 got along 
surprisingly well. I felt comfort- 
able around him even though I 
knew I would have to watch his 
every move. Wisely, he kept his 
jingoistic propaganda to himself, 
perhaps having learned his lesson 
from the head smashing I had 
delivered earlier. As things go, 
however, it was inevitable that we 
would soon get on each other's 
nerves, being cooped up like we 
were in a capsule the size of 
Lincoln's cabin. 

It was on the fifteenth day of the 
mission that our first confrontation 
occurred. It started when I lit up a 
cigarette and Igor pointed at the no- 
smoking sign above the hatch. To 
say I was surprised would be putting 
it mildly; I had been smoking since 
liftoff. Well that's too damn bad, I 
thought as I finished lighting my 
smoke, Igor should have known 
something was up when he saw the 
ten-thousand cartons of filterless 
Lucky Strikes in the ship's hold. 




loever heard of a secret 
agent not smoking, any- 
way? I inhaled deeply on 
the cigarette and blew out 
a thick blue stream that 
rolled over the lab desk like 
a Marin county fog before 
gloriously breaking up 
against the starboard pint- 
hole, Igor again pointed at 
the sign, frantically hitting 
his finger against it. For 
crying out loud, I thought, 
the chump actually expects 
me to quit the entire 
Length of the flight. My 
respect for the man was 
diminishing rapidly. I 
walked over to the sign and 
tore it down. Then, with 
the cigarette clenched 
tightly in my lips, I 
punched him in the nose, 
settling the matter once 
and for all. 

Then other things 
happened. We played 
cards but I caught Igor ch 
This should not have surprised me 
since it's no big secret in the spy 
world that Russians are deceitful 
cowards, but I was outraged none- 
theless. The game was gin rummy* 
my favorite, and I needed a queen 
to fill out a set, Suddenly the ship 
hit a small meteor shower, and out 
from Igor's sleeve popped the 
Queen o' Hearts. Her Royal 
Highness floated in front of my 
face, suspended in the weightless 
environment, just as nice as you 
please, 1 snatched the card out of 
the air and held it tight in my hand, 
I glared at Igor and he smiled 
sheepishly, I whipped around. 
Suspended behind me was Igor's 
shaving mirror. He had been using 
it to spy ni it my hand. I ripped the 
mirror from its string supports and 
brought it down on his head, 
smashing it and sending thousands 
of shards of glass floating into the 
far reaches of the capsule, We did- 
n't play anymore after that. 

The rocket ship was pre-pro- 
grammed for its destination and we 
were instructed not to screw 
around with the controls, so there 
wasn't a lot of things needed to be 
done. I had brought a couple of 



DID YOU KtioW THAT 
: LENGTH OF A HUM Art 
CAH REACH UP TO 




things to read: a People magazine 
and a Vic for/as Secret catalog. 
They kepi me occupied for a couple 
of days, hut soon after reading 
them cover to cover ten times. I 
grew bored. 

Then there was the exercise 
bike. It was of typical dismal 
Russian design, a donation from 
the Russian science academy, and 
had a particularly annoying 
squeaky wheel. Although I some- 
times exercised on the machine, it 
was primarily used by Igor, He 
rode it every waking hour, It was 
unbearable. The wheel squealed 
louder and louder with each pass- 
ing day and I had vicious spells of 
nausea whenever I heard it, 
Finally, it got to the point where 1 
just couldn't take il anymore. So, 
only a month into the mission, 
under cover of darkness while Igor 
slept. I unfolded the hacksaw blade 
of my Skorp Army Knife and 
irreparably destroyed Igor's little 
bicycle of torment When he woke 
up hours later and saw it laying on 
the ground in big metal pieces, he 
was extremely dismayed and 
accused me of tearing it apart. I, of 
course, denied everything. Soon 
the matter was dropped, and Igor 
spent time trying to devise other 
ways of entertaining himself. 



IfflOULLMIPM 

Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



47 






■ * - 

HORRORSCOPE FOR Tl 



THIS MONTH 



QUAR1US: 







OP 



Although you thought it 
ipossibh 
an even more boring and 
uneventful month than usual. 
Your lifelong wish will 
come true ftvi> month when vi 
finally get to see r name \ prill 
It will take hour 
friends to calm d ■<■■( 
k- concept of phone 

During a camping trip 
you'll have your first experience 

with a waterbed after your pup-tent 

blows away during a torrential 

downpour. 

rZ You won't be able to 

shake the eerie feeling that 

you've had deja vu before. 




President Clinton will 
call to offer you a position on 
the U.S. Supreme Court but you 
wont hear the phone ringing over 
the sound of your vacuum cleaner. 




NEXT MONTH 



I II Dl 




find adii lollaf bill behind 

dresser. 

After it computer random- 
ly | ir name from a list of 

"*> ne r m o »e hi 



up at yoim 



you'll joyfully run to the 
phone and tell your boss what you 
really think of him. Being lost, Ed 
will a.sk you for directions and leave. 

er dining at a 
Chinese restaurant you will 
: fortune cookie that will 
give you what you perceive to be a 
religious message. It will say "after 
such a string of good luck you 
should spend more time on your 

" Within hours you'll under- 
stand, as you're hit with a major 
case of food poisoning. 

In the middle of a 
frightening and realistic dream 
you'll become a bit perturbed when 
you realize that you aren't sleeping, 



QUARIUS: 



ISCES: 



unive 








ter weeks of very 
bulimia treatments 
\x teenage daughter you II be 
overjoyed to learn that it was just 
your lousy cooking and not the 
dreaded disease all along. 

Just the simple a< 
getting out of bed will seem 
like a major effort this month. It 
will become much easier alter your 
closest friend explains that you Ve 
not supposed to .sleep between the 
mattress and boxspring. 
P5 After crashing through 

your 2nd story bedroom ft 
you'll vow to lose the exl ra 200 
pounds you've gained since high 
school. After you find out that your 
house is termite infested, you'll cel- 
ebrate by eating a turkey* 




HJMAIUMFQON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



IE REALITY IMPAIRED 




SOMETIME SOON 

QUARIUS: 

ISCES: 




rive-through window at Burg 
King, you'll notice that the driver o 



the pink Cadillar ' 
image of EI vi 
an Elvis imp* 
notice that JFK 
senger s, 



think it 
r r -Mil ou 





The kids at school will 

tart verbally abusing your 

teenage son after it becomes public 

knowledge that he has yet to sleep 

with Madonna. 

W+JA After a lifetime of 

illiteracy your prayers will be 
answered when you hear an ad for 
I looked Oil Phonics." Your sense 
of jay will be short-lived after you 
realize that you can't figure out 
how to dial 1-800-ABC-DEF'G. 

After reading the 
autobiograpl : Gordon 

Liddy you'll decide to finally 
nipt to conquer your lifelong 
of Broadway musicals by hav- 



icounter 

wilt spen 
hoard an alien spacecraft urn 
going painful medical experiments. 
You will consider dun vel 

agencies 

m will be shocked to 
'n that you were switched at 
birth with your identical twin, and 
ypuVe spent your entire life being 
called your sibling's first name. 



rand 

ill b* 

bris. 
er being convicted 








After years ul "trying, 
your prayers will be answered 
when you match all 6 numbers and 
win the 10 million dollar lottery. 
The thrill will lessen a bit when you 
learn that you must split the prize 
With 9,999$99 other people who 
also picked the correct numb* 



SinM- wr son will he forced to 

play a nude hockey team. 



AGITTARIUS: 



>U will have a 
near death i v while 

being trapped in an elevator for 6 
hours with Rush Limhaugh. 

rZ As a desperate 

attempt to jump start, your 
floundering art career you'll cut oft 
your ear and mail it to Jodi Foster, 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL UMPOflN 



ttWFACTS ttWFACT, 



CONDOMAXIMUMS 

l whim ^ a LOS ANGELES 



gfoailofo, mtman 
Co tPefr 




Mr and Mr* r\>--i-4 c. 
LQS ANGELES TIMES 



Rape Suspect Seized After 
Woman Sees Him Drive By 

A suspected rapist was arrestee 

Wednesday after the alleged victim srm 

the man ri ^" ra *™ ^ *hn was hem 

("^^ Coupon $aver""" 

1 1 Tune-up & drive chain cle atu 



lududes: 



SEX: Career Threatens 

Continued from A3 a similar incident, wj 



Horona Police Capt. John Dalzell inevitable 



vwi a.nu wjici 1 



tnteim wheels, adfustinq <fc #% M 
derail leitrs, brakes, ^* .^ ■* 

bearing* hca&eL ° 

2 Flats $#|9i 



Installed 



9 ! 




DeeD Throat: Stricken with hoarseness, coun.try singer Geo 
Strait told the 19,400 fans at his Anaheim Pond j concert on Fn. 
to hang on to their ticket stubs and come back foi a mafc 
concerfon May 15. Strait decided to "give it a shot anywa 
smgTng an apology-filled half -hour sot before calhng It a night. 

-BETH KL1 



CoDvriaht © 2007 National LamDoon Inc. 



tfWFACTS 



Auburn Calloway, 42, 
reportedly lied on his application 
to get a job at Federal Express. 
Aboard the Federal Express 
plane carrying him to his disci- 
plinary hearing, Calloway 
attacked the crew members 
repeatedly with a hammer and a 
spear gun T until he was subdued. 
Two crew members, plus 
Calloway, were later listed to be 
in serious condition, 

The bloodied and injured 
crew, though, managed to 
return the plane to the Memphis 
airport, where the cargo of 
overnight packages was re-rout- 
ed and delivered on-time. 



TV 



Lili Ellul, a 35-year-old 
Thai carpenter was arrested 
after limping through Adelaide 
International Airport in 
Bangkok and noises were heard 
coming from his trousers. He 
was charged with attempting to 
smuggle four baby Thai 
Moustache parrots in his pants, 
in violation of both the Wildlife 
Protection Act and the 
Quarantine Act. 

Eflul was actually relieved 
when authorities stopped him, 
because the birds, worth about 
$20,000 on the black market, 
had virtually pecked away all of 
Ellul's penis. 

At trial, Ellul pleaded not 
guilty, claiming that he was as 
surprised as anyone else when 
the parrots were discovered in 
his underpants. Bangkok Post 



Willie Horton of Houston, 
Texas, became angry when his 
mother kept raving about the 
performance of Nancy Kerrigan 
in the Winter Olympics — 
despite his insistence that she 
stop. 



Mr. Harper subse- 
quently retrieved a 
weapon and shot his 
mother. 

Mr. Harper had just 
been released from custody 
after his mother posted a 
$10,000 bond. He was subse- 
quently charged with assault 
with a deadly weapon. 



Two counterfeiters in 
Tupelo, Mississippi, were 
thwarted when business estab- 
lishments refused to accept 
their hundred-dollar bills and 
reported them to police. 
When Kentucky Fried Chicken 
refused to accept the money, the 
two men tried McDonald's, 
Wendy's and finally Whataburger. 
At Whataburger, they demanded 
to see the manager 

While speaking with the 
manager, police arrived and 
arrested them. 

Apparently, the two had put 
on the bills a picture of Aretha 
Franklin instead of Benjamin 
Franklin. 



Joseph Pickens was award 
$17 million after he was struck 
by a Pepsi-Cola truck. He told 
the court that the accident had 
changed his sexual orientation 
and that he now preferred to be 
called Tiffany, Detroit Free 
Press. 



At the Phobia Society of 
America's sixth annual conven- 
tion at the Lincoln Hotel in 
Dallas, Texas, only 200 of 3,500 
members showed up. Most of 
the organization's members are 
afraid of flying or social settings 
or both, 

"The glass elevators here 
are terrible," said one conven- 




tioneer who fears elevators and 
bridges. "You can see all the way 
to the ground." Winnipeg Sun. 



Police and ambulances were 
called to the Lutheran Church 
in Ramotsa, Africa when fight- 
ing broke out between feuding 
Bophuthatswana and Ramotswa 
factions in the congregation. 

Pastor Moloi of the 
Bophuthatswana faction and the 
former flyweight champion of 
Botswana, became upset when 
he arrived and saw an unor- 
dained member of the 
Ramotswa faction leading 
prayers in the church. 

Moloi punched the purport- 
ed prayer-leader, and fighting 
broke out, as member of the 
Bophuthatswana clan ran out- 
side and began urinating on 
bicycles and slashing tires on 
nearby cars. 

"In the name of Jesus 
Christ Our Saviour," Moloi 
ordered his clan to attack. 
Between the two clans in the 
fighting, six people were killed 
with seven others critically 
injured. 

"We taught those rogues 
from Ramotswa a lesson they 
shall never forget," said Moloi. 
The Midweek Sun 



Send your TRUE FACTS in, 

by Quick Mail, to: 

Willie Harper 
True Facts Editor 
NATIONAL LAMPOON 
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Los Angeles, CA 90024 






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National Lampoon Classics 

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NATIONAL LAMPDOK 



TECHNOLOGY UPDATE 



Your own TV station 
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Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



Contest 



by David C Garrett 



Briggs Goddard didn't regret 
sending in L436 electronic 
entries to EI! TV's Last of the 
Rainforest Contest. The 

Environmental Impact Channel, 
dedicated to ''bringing nature to 
you, so you don't have to go out," 
had sponsored many on-line con- 
tests since the turn of the century- — 
which he never entered due to the 
high entry lees. But he wasn't get- 
ling any younger. So this time, he 
just did it. lie went for the gold. 
And it cost him. 

Never mind that he spent 
almost all of his savings of inter- 
credits on his entries. His chances 
were as good as any to be chosen. 
He imagined himself the winner: 
they would contact him by e-mail, 
just hours before his departure. He 
would be whisked on a luxury jet- 
liner first to Mexico City, Mexico, 
Inc., a wholly-owned subsidiary of 
The United States of America, Inc. 
There he would be briefed on his 
mission. 

Next, a private Lear jet would 
whisk him to Caracas, Venezuela. 
A limousine driven by a colorful 
native would then pick him up and 
whisk him clown the Paul Rodriguez 
International Freeway. 

Moments later me would 
emerge from the limo and do his 
duty in front of millions of envious 
viewers— all in the name of 
progress. He would be the one to 
roll over the last acre of rainforest, 
with a Caterpillaf Model 2010 
Dozer Obliteration Device, simulta- 
neously becoming spokesperson for 



the corporation, under one of the 
most lucrative commercial contracts 
known to man. 

Of course, he probably would- 
n't get as much publicity as Sarah 
Rcems, the first civilian allowed to 
execute a death row prisoner on 
television. She changed the face of 
Pay-per-View Executions, or 
Sexecutions, as the media referred to 
them after Sarah's telecast. Never 
had a multiple rapist/killer died so 
happy. 

Instead, who wins this one? 
Some scumbucket from who- 
knows- where named Tom Patterson. 

So, it was Briggs who watched 
the screen enviously as the winner, 
Tom Patterson, from Kilgore, Texas, 
arrived on the scene. Tom 
Patterson. Goddard felt sick to his 
stomach when he heard the name. 

An array of security officials 
and network brass gathered around. 
The glare of the crews' lights 
reflected off the sweaty brow of 
Tom Patterson as he emerged from 
the limo in full military regalia just 
yards away from the last acre of 
rainforest. 

Military an ire! Who does he 
think he is? thought Briggs. He had 
checked Patterson's bio and person- 
al data on ihe Internet and knew that 
Patterson had not served in The U.S. 
Military, Inc. at any time. Then the 
explanation from the commentator: 
several extremist protesters had 
unexpectedly chained themselves to 
trees in the area, apparently protest- 
ing the demolition of the acre of 
rainforest. The network had 



arranged for a quick commissioning 
of Patterson so that he could legally 
eliminate the protesters. 

Tom first reached for the mega- 
phone to warn the protesters away. 
Two execs, after being prompted by 
some techics, motioned to Tom that 
there wasn't time for warnings. The 
host explained: They had to cut 
away in minutes to a nuclear disas- 
ter elsewhere in the world. 
Basically, they just wanted Tom to 
get on with it. 

Cheerily, he jumped up in the 
Caterpillaf 2010 Dozer Obliteration 
Device and started toward the acre, 
just like he'd learned in the briefin- 
gs. He smiled and waved at the 
cameras. Basically, he's taunting 
me, thought Briggs Goddard. The 
two had communicated by e-mail 
some three or four times since Tom 
was announced as the winner. Tom 
always bragged about, how he'd 
only sent in two e-en tries — and one 
of those was for his aging grand- 
mother, He even laughed about 
how he had misspelled his own 
name when he sent his entries in, 
much the same way that he mis- 
spelled the name of Briggs Goddard 
when he sent him e-mail, and apolo- 
gized profusely for it, before doing 
it again the next time. 

This really upset Briggs. It was 
all a joke to Tom Patterson. He did- 
n't need the exposure, the inter- 
credits like Briggs needed them. 
Tom had all the money he wanted. 
He was one of the rich boys, unlike 
Briggs, who grew up on the wrong 
side of the Internet. Briggs could 
have used the sponsorship money, to 
launch his own channel. He 
dreamed of the Briggs Channel, fea- 
turing BriggsTalk, an informative 
four-hour talk show on important 
issues of the day: what Briggs had 
for breakfast, who Briggs wanted to 
see, who called Briggs, other pro- 
gramming from Briggs, about 
Briggs, and for Briggs, A plethora 
of Briggs. 

Tom's e-mail taunts only 
seemed to inspire Briggs, though. 
He worked harder. He entered the 
War Channel's Living Room 
Warrior Contest, His chances 
seemed good. After all, they picked 
one winner a week to fight on the 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 59 










NT>® 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




"Front of the Month." Last month, 
eighth-grader Brad Whitehead from 
Dallas won the War Channel Pepsi 
Challenge Contest. So, from the 
safety of his own living room, he 
got to fight for the Pakistani Hindu- 
Fascist-Socialist Liberation Front, 
guiding Smart Bombs into 
Bangladeshian orphanages, using a 
joystick — from his own living 
room! After a clear hit, he was con- 
gratulated by the 
Front's military 
commanders 
personally via 
satellite, while 
some John 
Madden-type 
detailed the 
hit with the 
War 
Channel 

Chalkboard. But 
Briggs never quite won that contest 
either. It now it came to this, Tom 
Patterson driving the Caterpillaf 
2010 Dozer Obliteration Device 
("C2DOD for short," offered the 
announcer) while taunting him in 
front of billions of viewers. 
Patterson may as well have dropped 
a sign ridiculing Briggs in front of 
those viewers, with Briggs 1 e-mail 
address featured prominently, 
thought Goddard. In the next 
moment, Patterson did just that. 
And to make matters worse, the host 
read it aloud for that small percent- 
age of viewers who might be visual- 
ly impaired or not paying attention: 
Brigs Goddard, EM A: BRIG- 
GSTVME. He wants to start his 
own network, but can Y even win a 
stupid contest. He really sucks. 
Tom even misspelled Briggs' name. 
Bastard. 

Briggs* Box starting buzzing 
almost immediately, with scores of 
misspelled e-mails. Goddard's head 
started pounding, 

Tom's activity on the C2DOD 
became almost an afterthought to 
the announcer, after seeing the 
excitement and hilarity generated by 
the sign. Tom adjusted the Rufus 
Thrill-Kilt Rocket Launcher, with 
which his C2DOD had been so con- 
veniently equipped, so that it swung 
around toward the tree containing 
one of the protesters. The female 



protester quickly attempted to 
remove the chains and ropes 
which had steadfastly tied her 
to this last piece of natural his- 
tory. "She is not so eager to 
jump on the conservationist 
bandwagon now/' quipped 
the announcer. 
It seemed as 



though she was already on that band- 
wagon and now just couldn't get off 
as rapidly as she had wanted. Tom's 
lack of military experience showed, 
as the Rui'us Rocket landed some one 
hundred feet from the female protest- 
er. No matter, though. The rocket 
exploded in a million pieces, sending 
the protester instantly to that great 
demonstration in ihe sky, along with 
all those other Commies who had 
been milling about in the bush. 

It was almost anti-climactic 
when Tom finally rolled over the 
smoldering acre with the C2DOD. 
Still, he savored every moment, just 
as Briggs Goddard seethed with 
rage every second. His Box kept 
buzzing as he became the object of 
ridicule of every nerd on the 
Internet, It was as bad as the time 
he had propositioned a 12-year-old 
girl in a private room on-line. 
Suddenly her parents came on. 
Jesus, you'd thought he was some 
kind of pervert or something. She 
communicated like she was 18! 
Usually you could tell, like when 
they started talking like, well, 12- 
year-olds. But this one was differ- 
ent. She was like no other 12-year- 
old he had ever interacted with 
on-line. It was just innocent fun to 
Briggs Goddard. Law enforcement 
officials thought otherwise, ques- 
tioning him about child molestations 
in the area. 



It was all over as quickly as it 

started for the acre of rainforest. 
Actually, it took millions and mil- 
lions of years to start and evolve, so 
it was over much more quickly than 
it had started. And so Briggs tried 
to go to sleep. 

That night was a living 
hell for him. The scene 
kept play- 
ing over 
and over in 
his mind; 
the ridicul- 
ing sign, 
the embar- 
rassing e- 
mail, the 
misspelled 
name, the 
unsightly soap 
rings in his basin and 
tub. The age-old maxim: 
A shake for breakfast, a shake for 
lunch, and a sensible dinner. They 
all blended into the swirling mael- 
strom of his measly mind. 

Tom's evening, however, was 
quite different. He enjoyed his first 
day as spokesperson for C2DOD, 
filling his stomach with wine and 
food, and having his way with the 
eldest daughter of some random 
Senior Executive as was tradition at 
Caterpillaf Corp. 

"Just make them stop!" shouted 
Briggs at the top of his lungs, refer- 
ring to the incessant e-mail corre- 
spondence he was receiving. Never 
mind that no audible sound was 
emitted by the electronic messages. 
He heard them alright. His mind 
pounded out each message letter-by- 
letter: Y-O-U ARE A L-O-S-E-R, 
D-I-E, D-T-E. D-0 U-S A-L-L A 
F-A-V-O-R A-N-D L-E-T I-T H-N- 
D. Like the tell-tale heart, his mail- 
box took on a life of its own, 
imploring Briggs to end it all. 

4 T will not," said he. "I am 
strong. I will overcome this adver- 
sity. Much as my forefathers over- 
came other various adversities so 
that I could be here.** 

Across the globe, Tom was to 
make his first announcement as 
spokesperson for Caterpillaf. A 
handsome, sharp-dressed man, he 
stood proudly in front of the execu- 
tives, teeming with excitement. 



CoDvriaht©2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



HATU3NALLAMPQDN B1 



"What will be our first promotion?" 
they wondered. " What will He say ? " 

Tom cleared his throat to begin 
his speech. "Gentlemen," he said, 
pausing to survey the throng, "and 
Ladies. Today begins a new era in 
the age of Caterpillaf, I, as your 
spokesperson, chosen at random 
from millions of entrants, have 
come here with a mission." The 
crowd roared with approval. 

"I am here to make the 
Caterpillaf name known to that 
small percentage of people who do 
not already know it. We need fur- 
ther product recognition. How will 
we do that, my friends?" he asked. 
The crowd hung on his every word. 
They leaned forward in anticipation. 
Only He could provide the answer. 

"A contest. We're going to have 
a contest!" said Tom. A sigh rolled 
from the crowd. The simplicity of it 
caught them off guard. They looked 
at each other and smiled approvingly 
They had selected a marketing genius 
when they selected the e- entry of 
Tom Patterson at random. 

The days passed for 
Briggs Goddard slowly. 
Gradually, the e-mail har- 
rassment trailed off, how- 
even Today, he only had 
14,000 messages in his 
box, give or take a few. 
It was not that he had to 
check them all. It was 
just that he should. You 
know, in case like one of 
the messages was from 
somebody he wanted to 
talk to. Not that any of 
them were. But, every 
once in a while, there 
was a message like that. 

Checking thai many 
e-mails a day takes up a 
lot of time. At times his 
Box's capacity of 50,000 
messages had been 
reached. But, he prided 
himself on the fact that he 
never let one message go 
unread — or unanswered. 
That was his way of get- 
ting back at them. He 
would send back a mes- 
sage as degrading as the 



one they had sent him and, of course, 
he would misspell theirnames. That 
really showed them. Of course, he, 
just being one person, and them, 
being hundreds of thousands made 
his job a bit more difficult. 

He passed what spare time he 
had by watching The Channels, 
One day he would watch the 
Nuclear Fallout Channel, reporting 
on various little atomtc incidents 
around the world, when yet another 
little "superpower" got hold of a yet 
another nuclear device. Tf another 
little tribe in Africa got The Bomb 
or some dictator in some unheard-of 
little island in an unknown sea got 
it. People really took notice when 
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers picked 
one up. They soon earned the 
respect of the rest of the league. 

The Police Brutality Channel 
was also very interesting at times. 
Its President and CEO, Staccy 
Koons, gave interesting commen- 
tary after seeing a home viewer's 
recently-submitted tape. 




He watched all the channels 
except one — the Environmental 
Impact Channel. He really didn't 
like that one anymore, after what 
they had done. He even started an 
e-mail campaign against them, 
which fizzled. They took notice 
though. The President of the 
Channel even responded to him 
with a personal message. Briggs 
didn't like that. It made him a little 
more angry. But time heals most 
wounds, and Briggs was feeling a 
bit forgiving. Maybe, just maybe, 
he would give the channel another 
chance. Today, yes today, he would 
watch the channel for just a 
moment. Not long enough for it to 
register on his Jielsen View- 
Meter™. He wouldn't give them 
the satisfaction. He would send an 
e-mail to let them know that it was a 
mistake, that he accidentally turned 
to the channel. He didn't mean to 
watch it. 

So, slowly and carefully, he 
turned to the channel. He focused his 
attention on the scene. What 
luck, he thought, as he sur- 
veyed Tom Patterson in a 
Caterpillaf promotional com- 
mercial. It was Mr, Patterson 
promoting some new f fantas- 
tic contest. Then Briggs 
GoddaixFs eyes widened. He 
focuses those beady little 
eyes on the screen in front of 
him. Could ii be? He made 
out his own name. Spelled 
correctly. Briggs Goddard. 
Could it be a contest for him! 
Then he looked closer, read- 
ing the copy: Prosecution 
Immunity Granted. One win- 
ner onl\. Enter now. 
Caterpillaf Presents The 
first Annual Killing Briggs 
Goddard Contest. 

Briggs gulped. 

Suddenly, his Box stopped 
receiving messages. He 
heard a knock at the door, 
the shuffling of equipment 
and voices out in the hall. It 
sounded like a film crew. 
He thought he heard the 
commentator from the rain- 
forest contest. 




&2 NATiOHAUAMPOON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 




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NATIONAL LAMPOON 63 



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J. Centner Sherman 
of Boston is our 

Grand Prize Winner 
of the Cartoon 

Humorist Contest. 

NATIONAL LAMPOON 

would like to send you 

An Around The World 

Vacation courtesy of 

you and your family. 

Here are some of the 

comments from the NL 

editors about your 

hilarious works: 



HEW ZEALAND 



*? <4Ui±t &&&€> neati &£& 



LONDON 






Africa 






Don't forget to send in 

your cartoons and be 

immortalized 

in the pages of 

NATIONAL LAMPOON 

NATIONAL LAMPOON 

Cartoons or Bust 

P.O. Box 4041 

Irvine CA 92715 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



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68 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 



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The infamous OJ. SIMPSON/NICOLE 
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about it, now get it! As reported in 
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The HE SAID/SHE SAID COMIC 
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Also available - the other infamous 
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Call First Amendment Publishing 

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I THINK I'M GONNA 

LAUCH... 

This Book is full of terrific kick-in-the- 

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Coovriaht © 2007 National Lamooon Inc. 








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